The Value of a Woman's Heart

The heart is the most valuable gift that can be given, for the heart is never given by itself. With it comes a mind that can completely enrapture your own should you give it a chance, a happiness that yours is entirely dependent on, and a spirit that can replenish you when the world gets too heavy to carry on your own. In a person's heart is where they are found in their truest form and, given a glimpse of this divine beauty, it is impossible for your perceptions of them to remain unaltered.

For this very reason, love remains the ultimate paradox. It is beautifully simple and frustratingly complex. It is the ultimate of highs and the most devastating of lows. It can be easily found and easily lost. You must be careful and carefree simultaneously. It will cause you to dance one minute then take your legs from under you the next. It is hard to live with and hard to live without.

The heart of a girl must be handled with as much care as you would grant to your very own. It is only in tending to her heart that you can even begin to discover what makes yours beat in your chest. We are alive for the sole purpose of loving and the mistreatment of a woman's heart must be given much more criticism than it currently is.

If we are not more careful, many more hearts will be irrevocably damaged. The words we say, the advances we make, the time we spend and hundreds of other things do not go unnoticed. They are received, noted and cataloged in careful succession in order that our motives may be determined. The damage done if our intentions are later found to not to match our actions destroy the essence of a person.

A heart is too fragile to be dragged along with the games we play. A relationship based on the desire to be fulfilled neglects the real need of our own hearts - to fulfill. There is nothing to be gained in the taking of love, only in the giving. Rather than focusing on how she makes us feel, we must concentrate on making her realize that her value is a hundredfold more than she can ever imagine.

Only in these actions will we be using our ability to love properly. A love that focuses on ourselves is not a love at all, but rather a flurry of emotions that disgraces the name of love. If you like her, tell her. If you tell her, show her. If, and only if, you can show her will the words you say and the feelings you feel have any meaning to them.

How can I know this? What possibly qualifies me to speak on the hearts of females, hearts I have probably mistreated more times than I will ever recognize, let alone admit? It is only because I know that the same applies to all hearts, men's hearts, even the heart that seems untouchable.

An Epidemic (Part 2: The Notches in our Belts)

On Sunday, I came out with guns blazing, my sarcasm clips fully-loaded, my eye on the target and my bullets firing as true as Dirty Harry's .44 Magnum. That's a lot of pressure to follow, manly analogy notwithstanding.

So, like anyone looking to make it in Hollywood, I know how useful it can be to capitalize on the success of something and make a sequel, even if the first is completely able to stand by itself.

This post isn't for those looking to impress though. This time, it's for the guys who have to deal with the bro-offs that come with knowing the guys who actually appreciate the advice I offered earlier. Instead of giving it to you without flair, however, I think I'll add subtle tennis undertones to take us from a walkover to Wimbledon.

Shot: Lob
This first one is a surprisingly gentle shot arching high over the head of a player too close to the net. Although not the most masculine of approaches, this one will take you off guard if you're not careful. He lures you in close to the net for a conversation with seemingly innocent intentions, then suddenly lobs one over your head back near the baseline.

Here's an example of what I mean:
Friend: (Yawns) I stayed up until after 3:00 a.m. last night. I'm really tired. I've got to stop doing that.
You: That's how college is. There's always a lot of work and never enough time.
Friend: Oh, no, actually I was on the phone with a girl until 3:00. We talked for about four hours.

See how that came out of nowhere? Well, it didn't. You weren't paying attention. You know how he is with the girls. How can you not expect him to want to show that off to you?

Countershot: Smash
He's luring you to the net. Don't fall for it this time. Throw it back at him hard and fast before he has the chance to maneuver. After his first comment, instead of leaving it open for him to take the conversation where he wants, take it somewhere else. Try "well that seems like a pretty poor decision considering you have to work today" or "I hope you don't fall asleep in your mashed potatoes again." Either of these will throw him off balance allowing for your stroke to fall cleanly into play.
__________________________
Shot: Backhand
In days of yore, a strike with the back of the hand was a sign of great disrespect and symbolized that the striker had dominion over the person being struck. This method maintains the tradition of the backhand strike in that it's frequently used and immensely insulting.

An example:
Friend: I know you don't have girls over very often, but could you clean up your part of the apartment? Tina's coming over tonight and I don't want her to think you're always this messy.

Whoa. Not only did this one attack your inability to bring females to your home court, but he also attacked your court upkeep. Thin ice he's treading on, thin ice.

Countershot: Topspin
Fielding topspin shots are tough even for skilled players. That's why, after he gives you such a backhanded comment, yours need to fall into play and have a spin he isn't seeing until it's too late. Something like "man, you and Tina are SO perfect for each other" will have him thinking that it's a compliment until he rethinks how he was just talking to you. Then, the spin kicks in and he's stumbling for a return.
___________________________
Shot: Serve
This one throws everything at you all at once. It generally comes at you pretty quickly, and, even if you were expecting it, you may be caught off guard at the speed or direction it goes.

This is an example:
You: How was your date last night?
Friend: Really good actually. I took her out to dinner and she was really flirty the whole time, then right as the opening credits rolled in the movie, she started kissing me. I think I came up for air once the entire movie.

See, you knew a description of the date was coming, but you had no idea it'd take that particular bounce of the playing field and before you blink, it's already past you.

Countershot: Block
Get your racquet up and quick. There's no time for a well-placed shot, your only goal is to send it back over to him. I'd recommend something slightly off-hand like "well, that's awesome. I wonder if you tasted like garlic after all that Italian food" or "from what I've heard, you missed out on a good movie." It may be just enough to keep you in play for a few more volleys.

Well, that's it I think. Did I miss anything? Was the tennis analogy awful? Should I have not made a sequel? These things are up to you and your comments.

An Epidemic (or The Art of Impressing Women)

Cancer, AIDS, Nickelback, Judd Apatow movies: these are just a few of the many things plaguing humanity during my lifetime. I've read articles lately about how the first two are being researched and that a cure could be closer than we think, but it would seem the cure for the later two in this list are simply being ignored in our never-ending quest for the common good.

Even though all of these wreak havoc on millions of lives, there's another epidemic that I think affects even more people with even more devastating results. This isn't a physical plague that attacks the immune system or the heart, nor is it a economic catastrophe that leaves millions homeless or without food for weeks at a time. No, it's something much more common, more malicious, and more deadly than any of these. It's the ever increasing desire of men everywhere to impress the females near them.

This isn't an easy task in today's world of rappers with more diamonds than Sierra Leone and movie stars with more makeup than a female televangelist. That's why I, Michael, lover of the ladies, wooer of the women, Don Juan of the dames, have put together a few tips to help men finally attract whatever lady is striking their fancy (generally the closest one, the most attractive one, or the one his friend is also interested in). It's not a comprehensive list because, let's face it, a magician can't reveal all of his secrets, but it's hopefully something that will get you on your way into the wonderful world that is the art of impressing women.

1. Material Items
I've found that nothing gets a girl more interested in your thoughts and opinions than you having a new pair of designer jeans. If she won't like you when you're driving your Ford Tempo, consider upgrading to something a little more female friendly, like a new Mustang or even a BMW. What, you can't afford a Mustang or a Beamer? Women like men who buy things on loans. While you're at it, pick up anything that Apple produces. You don't need it for the functionality or the benefits that come with high-end products, but for the stigma that is associated with Mac users.

2. Accomplishments
Never, ever be afraid to point out something wonderful that you have done. Few things enrapture a girl's heart and mind so well as the story of the time you just narrowly escaped getting thrown out of Walmart for shopping cart jousting in the canned goods aisle. Please note that there is a wrong way to tell even the most heroic of stories. If you and a friend rescued puppies from a burning veterinary clinic, conveniently fail to mention that it was you who started the fire.

3. Similarities
Eagerly seek out even the most minute details you have in common with the girl of your dreams (well, at least the ones from last night). Point each and every one of these out in a way that conveys you're just as surprised you realized it as she is. "We both have a double-L in our last names! What are the chances of that?" You can do no better than to show her that fate must have destined you to be together based on things like having read the same book for a fourth-grade book report or enjoying The Office, because Nielsen reports have frequently shown that there are very few viewers for that particular show.

4. Physical prowess
Wow, how did this fall in so late at number 4? Girls love jocks. You've seen Saved by the Bell. A.C. Slater always had mad hunnies around the block. If you want to get the girl who helps at the YMCA to notice you, try spiking a volleyball or two into the face of the 8 year old with glasses on the other team. Her concern for him will be nothing compared to her animalistic attraction for what you've obviously been holding back for so long. Bonus points are generally awarded if you sustain some type of injury, but somehow manage to play through it.

5. Difficulties
While the above items will certainly attract the fairer sex initially, you need more meat to your Impression Stew if you want to outwit, outplay, and outlast the others obviously competing for her affections (she is so conveniently located, after all). This is when it'll benefit you to point out that as a child your dog ran away from home and you couldn't find him for 3 days. And then, when you finally found him, it turns out that Mr. Barkles was actually a Mrs. Barkles and you then had 4 more puppies to raise on a newspaper deliveryboy's salary, completely ruling out any stock options or investment portfolios you may have been considering as a mature 8th grader.

6. Spirituality
This is the Hydrogen bomb in your girl-attracting armory. Save this for extreme cases only (extreme cases include showing off your attraction skills to guy friends, luring an overly attractive female to your end of the lunch table, and a way of moving from "Hi, nice to meet you" to meeting the parents in less than 5 minutes with the girl who wears glasses from your English class). Feel free to share your testimony (including the nail-biter of a section that is "will he accept it? won't he accept? will he? oh good, he did), the story of finally learning your higher calling, or even how often a day you like to read from Leviticus or Numbers. Your candor and openness on the first date are attractive qualities desired by those of the fairer gender and don't at all convey that you have a strong desire for intimacy with anyone willing to share it with you.

Phew. Did you make it all that way through that? Or did you run out after reading the first few to start putting them into practice? Let's hope you trudged through it, because there were some invaluable gems buried in there. Let me know how these work out for you, okay? That's the reason there's the option to leave comments on these posts.

A Whole New Way of Dating

Good news, readers. You, my faithful audience, are the first to hear about my book deal. I have no ideas other than what will be shared in this post and the publisher is actually just the Kinko's across the street from Walmart, but besides that, amazing things are happening with this. I've Photoshopped a cover that I'm putting up along with the post. You can decide if you think it'll sell.

Here's the idea. I'm going to propose a new way of dating. A re-imagination, if you will. It will be combine all of the best parts of dating with all the best parts of something so similar to dating, I'm surprised we missed it until now - volleyball.

Here are just a few of the many topics to be covered in this sure to be best-seller, but hold on, this ride could be a little bumpy.

1. Warm-ups
The one thing I've always felt was missing from the dating scene was warm-ups. I would feel a whole lot more comfortable with my opening line ("Um, wow, you look like, really good tonight. Not that you don't look good every night, because you do. I mean, I guess I don't see you every night, but if I did, I'm sure you'd look good all the time"). Maybe if I ran a few drills and did a few verbal calisthenics before I went out, I wouldn't have been aced on the very first serve.

2. Encouragement
Volleyball has something that, to my knowledge, no other sport possesses. After each and every play, regardless of which team got the point or who took that last spike to the face, there's a coming together of the players on the court and they do a little cheer and possibly slap each other on the butt. Although I'm not sure how I'd feel if someone "good gamed" me during a date, I do like the idea of knowing that 5 other people will huddle around me and tell me to "forget about that last play and focus on the next one" if I accidentally add an extra R to the word best.

3. Substitutions
Let's face it, there are times where you just need to throw in the towel. Maybe you tried to impress her by ordering her the steak and then noticed the PETA pin on her purse (the alliteration from the last post is coming back to haunt me). Or maybe you took her ice skating without realizing that some type of balance is required to glide in circles for hours at a time. Either way, with this new and completely improved dating method, you simply take a knee and someone can step in for you. Maybe someone with a better net game.

It's thoughts like these that prevent me from being able to focus on only one thing at once. It's my lack of ability to focus on one thing at once that screws me up on dates. And it's for this very reason I'm so qualified to be writing a book on a whole new way of dating.

Painfully Obvious, a Dunk Tank Story

During my recent trip the Van Buren Popcorn Festival, I no-... What? You want to know why I'd go to the Van Buren Popcorn Festival? Me too.

Actually, there were two reasons -
1. the band my brother is in had a show there and
2. I figured, being a popcorn festival, I'd get free popcorn.
I was sorely mistaken on the second part of that. The only free popcorn I was offered was kettle corn someone had to buy, and I obviously refused. Why "obviously," you ask? Because I don't eat kettle corn, and for the very same reason I don't use the word literally then proceed to say something very un-literal. It's dumb. The people who participate in such activities should be pushed to the outskirts of society with those guys who still wear Jinco Jeans and anyone who owns a Milli Vanilli CD.

All that aside, I had a good time. I wandered around the carnival style games for a while, trying to figure out if I could negotiate a cheaper price on the Batman belt buckle that I wanted for the sheer alliteration alone (see how catchy it is?). While I was meandering, I walked past the dunk tank. A girl of about 10 years stepped up to the throwing line, and she missed. Three times. Her friend of about the same age, in a misguided attempt to encourage her, offered this piece of advice, "Stop Missing!"

Wow... We sure got straight to the root of that problem, didn't we?

Here's what dawned on me. The advice we offer each other sometimes is just as useless and immeasurably less adorable than what this girl had to say. Here's a few of the more common ones.
"Try not to think about it."
"You shouldn't be sad. Be happy."
"Just get over it and move on with your life."
I don't think anyone's dared to say this to the ones who offer the above advice, so I'm going to lay it out right now. We know. When we're sad, we understand that the thing to do is to "turn that frown upside down" and be happy. What you can't seem to remember is that it's not always that easy, and it probably shouldn't be. If being happy and hitting the target at the dunk tank were easier, there would be no payoff in the accomplishment. Eventually the novelty of repeatedly dunking the fireman looking to raise money for a new dalmation would wear off. The happiness that you found so easily would give way to discontentment when you realized that there's something you're still missing. Something better. Something that can't happen every time because it would lose part of its essence. Something that you discover is found almost as much in the journey as it is in the destination.

The Life of a Product

Contrary to what you may be thinking, the life of a product like sunglasses or a wind-up car doesn't begin when it's imagined. It doesn't begin when it's manufactured. It doesn't begin when it's packaged. No, the birthday of a general merchandise item is actually the day that it leaves the delivery truck and enters the store.

Some of you may disagree with me and think that the day a product enters manufacturing should be it's birthday. Allow me to point out that this would be the same as you celebrating the day you were conceived. Anyone who knowingly celebrates those actions by their parents shouldn't even have the right (let alone the know-how) to argue with me in the first place.

All of that to point out that today I have discovered something terrible. Something awful. Something more painful than another verse of Every Move I Make. I found the ultimate way to cause low self-esteem in any item:

The clearance bin at Dollar General. I'll say that again, with a bit more emphasis. The clearance bin at Dollar General. Is that not tragic?

If ever there were ever a cause for self-esteem related disorders in merchandise, this bin would be it. With the imminent threat of this, it's really no wonder we have products like "Thin Mints" and "Cutting Boards."

My Relient K

No, no, calm down. I did not go out and buy myself a K-car (a nice Reliant automobile). Why would I risk what I've got going on with the Volvo I'm currently driving? Hunnies flock like I was a player from the NBA with the 850 GLT, so there's no way I'd give that up.

No, what I'm really talking about is the State of the Blog address that I need to make. I titled this post in such a way to reflect my appreciation to the band Relient K for bringing the topic to my mind and also to honor the television show Scrubs. Now, onto business.

I realize this blog started as serious as the Alan Parson's Project (does that make 3 references in this post that a lot of people won't catch/get? I think it does). Then a few days ago, the posts took a dramatic turn to entirely light-hearted with very little substance. In all fairness, that's how I wanted my blog to be from the start, but there were just a few spiritual discoveries and thoughts I felt I needed to blog about.

Then I started feeling inspiration for funny and random, and I liked it. I've already discussed my passion for humor, so we won't go there again, but when the ideas came I essentially pulled the E-brake and pulled a 180. After two posts, I've had the feeling that the blog became a little disjointed and much less spiritual, and I didn't like the sound of that.

That's where Relient K comes into this. Their self-titled CD was catchy and fun, but every single song had God in it in an obvious and sometimes forced way. An example is in the song "Charles in Charge" - "Let's go hang out, you, me and Jesus at your mom's pizza parlor." An okay sentiment to be making all in all, inviting Jesus for a slice of pepperoni, but it just has nothing to do with the rest of the song. They thought that something explicitly about God needed to be in a song to make it Christian. In their later CDs, they realized that God doesn't need to be explicit to be present. God can be in the harmonies and the harmonics, the high-hats and the low notes.

All that to say, some posts may be so blatantly about God that it blinds you temporarily and in other posts, He may just be hiding somewhere behind my semi-serious analysis of whatever I found amusing at the time. Regardless of which you're reading though, He's there.

QT

QT? What's this, Michael's going to be writing about an cute girl and he's using Internet lingo to boot? Or is it that he's going to be addressing the latest QuickTime update in a manner that is relevant to both the professional crowd and the consumer crowd alike? Or could it be that he's developed a mild man-crush on Quentin Tarantino, a man whose films have touched more hearts than the Chicken Soup for the Soul series?

If any one of these thoughts popped into your head when reading the title of my post, you are about to be sorely disappointed (and you have a good brain for coming up with multiple options for one set of initials). The QT that the I am actually referring to is none other than...

Q-tips. Yes, you heard me right (and interestingly enough, if you didn't, the topic of this post still could be very relevant to you because you just may need one).

So what about Q-tips do I possibly want to discuss? Is it that they're not actually the best choice for cleaning your ears because they can push waxy build-up deeper into your ear canal? Is it that Q-tips that cannot handle the environment that is my ear canals without crumbling into ruins shouldn't be in existence? Wrong on both accounts. Guessing just isn't your game today.

What I really want to discuss is that the committment I'm required to bring to this one oral hygeine product is a longer committment than any relationship I've had so far. In case you haven't cleaned your ears lately, first, you may want to follow the wisdom of Proverbs 4:27a (NASB), and second, and much more on topic, they come in a package of at least 400. That means even if I buy the smallest package available and I'm willing to use 2 a day (how gross can my ears possibly get?), I'm still committing to at least a 6 month relationship with these things.

This raises a few questions in my mind. Why is it that with a relationship, cheating ends it quickly, but with a relationTip (notice the pun), cheating with another only earns you more time stuck in the same rut you've been in? Would it be a good marketing strategy to sell Q-tips in smaller packages for those afraid of committment? Is there a way that I can "try the milk for free" before I have to "buy the cow?"

The most important question of all is, however, why does my head make constant comparisons between Q-tips and girlfriends?

Dear Craig,

You may not know me, and that's probably all for the better given the lot of people who advertise on your site, but I have a few complaints I'd like to bring to the table. I've been scanning your so-called list lately and there are a few things I just can't take any more of.

1. Design
You may argue that the design is intentionally simplistic, and I support you in that. I took the same approach to my blog. I did not, however, go as far as you did in making my site completely bland to the eyes. I don't even know how to describe the colors you've combined here. There's a whole palette of colors and it looks like you went with a nice combination of brown. On top of brown. With small white boxes. Holding blue links. I'm not sure where you went to design school, Craig, but I'm guessing it was somewhere in Kansas (I decided to pick on Kansas here because I have no readers in Kansas. Sure, 49 other states were available in the same category, but I digress).

2. Alphabetics
I thought alphabetics sounded like a good fake word, and, what do you know, my computer's spell check didn't have a problem with it. I guess it wasn't so fake after all (although it did just have an issue with the word "wasn't." I wonder what that's about). That explanation took entirely too long.
Your list, Craig, has some different version of the alphabet than the one I subscribe to currently, so when I'm looking for electronics for sale, I have to search through far too many rows and columns to find that little subheading. There's only two options here: downgrade yourself to the actual English version of alphabetical order or upgrade the rest of us so we don't have to spend more time looking for the garden section than it takes to explain why we're looking for that section in the first place.

3. Frightening
I don't spend a terrible amount of time or energy searching through what you have to offer me, but I really can't help but exit your page with more than a little bit of an unsettled feeling inside of me. Like that feeling you get when you think someone's behind you and you turn around there is someone there and he's staring at you and he has a beard with more crumbs in it than one meal could possibly cause. Actually, that doesn't even begin to cover the overwhelming naseous sensation I just experienced when I noticed that you have a "baby+kids" category under for sale. You're a sick person, Craig (I can't help but wonder though, how do you determine a good price on a child? I desperately hope race doesn't even enter the equation, but we are in America. If a child is sick, do you have to put him on sale until he gets well? I feel like there needs to be a system for these things).

Well, Craig, I think we got something accomplished here. Change these few things and maybe I won't be so scared to meet the guy with the couch I need for my apartment.

Sincerely,
Michael