Proving You're Smart During Prayer

Don't worry, I didn't run off on you again. I've just had a busy few days, so before I get until the actual meat of the post, here are a few potatoes. I've made the move to Miami for the summer. My brother and I made the drive (including a few stops, such as the Apple Store in Indy, Nashville, and every single bathroom along the way) in about 28 hours and we spent our first day in Miami running on about 1 hours of sleep each.

Now, for the meat I promised (tofu can be substituted for an additional $1). Today at church I learned the history of Mother's Day. Makes sense considering what day it is, but I just didn't expect the information to be presented the way it was. The lady delivering the prayer performed what can only be described as a Mid-Prayer Boast. This is where you whip out an "I'm gonna teach these fools a thing or two without ever breaking the prayer" move and expect no one to be the wiser.

Here's a few tips for performing your own Mid-Prayer Boast:

1. Transitions
People aren't going to be too happy if you press the prayer pause button in the middle to drop some knowledge on them, so work it into your prayer. Good transitions include "I know some people may not know this, Lord..." and "God, I think it's important to remember that..." These verbal cues should, if used correctly, allow you to ingrain a sense of intellectual inferiority into the minds of those praying with you without them knowing why (I mean, they are intellectually inferior, after all).

2. Truth
If you're going to do this, make sure you know what you're talking about. You'll lose a lot of prayer credibility if you don't check your facts before you "pray" them. Plus, it'll pull people out of the spirit or prayer. This is especially bad if you have 20 or so prayer requests to cover (in massive detail, no less). With everyone still wondering how exactly Mother's Day was established when the Pilgrims and the Vikings sat down for a starchy meal, you won't be able to inform them of the things that actually matter.

That's all I've got for now, I think. I might add that if you make your En Prayer Knowledge Drop negative (read: gossipy) people aren't going to appreciate it. That's not how anyone wants to find out the the Scott's down the street are getting a divorce because Mrs. Scott cheated on her husband with the pool boy while he was away at a work retreat, which was really a getaway with his blonde secretary. That's just not classy.

(This post is dedicated to my mom, Betty, by the way. She doesn't do this that I know of, this is just a good day to dedicate a post to a mom, and I picked mine.)

Save Chuck (or Why I'm Glad College Isn't Like TV)

I know I keep taking breaks for the normal format, but I haven't quite gotten back into the groove of the normal format anyway, so it's going to be a gradual process. For now, something needs to be said. I dare say the fate of the world (read: my faith in the entertainment industry) rests on it.

Let me try to explain it this way. There's this guy named Chuck. He's been in a class with me for the past two years. I always enjoy seeing him because he has some crazy story about how he has government secrets in his head or how an incredibly attractive superspy (call me, Yvonne Strahovski) seems to like him one minute then chooses her mission over him the next. It's all pretty interesting stuff really, especially when you consider that he's just as nerdy as me.

Well, now I find out that the school (North Baltimore College or NBC) might not be letting Chuck come back next year. Turns out they don't think he's performing well enough. I asked him about what kind of grades he gets and he pointed out that the review board (Internal Management Data Board or IMDb) is giving Chuck about an 8.2/10. That didn't seem like a bad score at all to me, so I asked how he wasn't performing well enough.

It would seem that this school, NBC, wants to kick Chuck out just because he doesn't have enough friends. 6.4 million doesn't seem to be enough. I wonder if they consider how many people listen to Chuck tell his story via other methods (such as Delayed Vocal Recitation or DVR).

All that to say, Chuck should not be canceled. Very rarely does a show with so much class and so much heart come along. NBC, if you ever read this, remember that you owe this to me. Why? Oh, just a little show called Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. Don't let the same thing happen to Chuck. He's too good of a guy.

Lil Johnin' It

The title of this post could be a little misleading because pulling a Lil John could really mean a few different things. It could be carrying around a ridiculous cup with more diamonds than Sierra Leone. Or it could be having so much gold in your teeth that people mistake it for gingivitis. Those topics will have to wait for another post though (my subtle way of saying I'll never touch on those topics again), because I have something better for you.

Lil Johnin' it, in this case, means to take something that could be kind of nice and innocent and making it inappropriate. To put it in terms that might make a little more sense, Lil John is the "that's what she said" to any song he's thrown into. Yeah, it's finally out in the open. If the music business were "The Office," Lil John would be Michael Scott. No one really quite knows what he's good for, and he's a little too inappropriate for his own good.

Don't believe me? Then allow me to present exhibit A - a little song called "Lovers and Friends," a 2004 ballad with Usher, Ludacris, and his crunkness, Lil John. A cover of Michael Sterling's song, it seems to be about friends turning into more. Aw, cute, right? Well, almost. Unfortunately, this is a Lil John song. Lines like "Put your hand in mine" and "I love you and that's all that matters" are transformed to things I don't feel good about posting in my blog. I'll just say that even though Lil John only manages to get what can best be called the bridge (in his own song, mind you), he tosses in as many verifiable "what'd he say? oh. ew." moments as a Judd Apatow movie.

If you need more proof, you could investigate the Lil John remix to "Cooking by the Book," but I have to warn you, it's terribly, terribly inappropriate. Terribly. You all signed the release waiving any responsibility I might hold for your Internet browsing, right?

If I actually watched "The Office," I might take the time to compare Jim to Kanye West or Dwight to Biz Markie, but I think I'll leave that up to real Office fans.

Taking a Break

No, I'm not taking a break from the blog again. Rather, I just plan to take a break from my normal format. My intentions were to go into another one of my long rants, but things come up. Much more important things, in this case.

I have this friend at school named Haley. I've actually sat here for about 5 minutes or so, attempting to come up with the perfect way to convey her to you all, but nothing quite seems adequate. I guess I'll stick with saying she's the type of person that can make an Astronomy class fun. She can discuss theology or perform Beyonce. And she's got probably the biggest heart I've ever seen.

Today, April 27, 2009, Haley's mom, Susie passed away (I apologize intensely for the lack of better term, nothing seems entirely appropriate or adequate). I believe I only had one conversation with her, ever, but I believe that people are reflections of their parents, so she must have been an incredible woman. A heart as big as Haley's can only be nurtured by someone else with a big heart.

I've spent just about every moment since I found out contemplating the best way to respond. No amount of phone calls or Facebook messages would ever be able to express the sadness I feel for her loss, so I'm opting for a slightly different response. I only ask two things if you read this.

The first is prayer. Lots of prayer. Pray until you run out of words, and then pray more.

The second is simply to pass this along. My prayers could never be enough to help her family through this (I can hardly find the words for this blog), so please, join with me in praying for them.

I'm Back

Hi me,

It's me again. I know what you're thinking. Really, I do. Last time I was around I said I'd come back to you. I said I'd make things better. I said I'd buy you that gold necklace you saw in the window at Jared's and always wanted but weren't allowed to buy because your mom thought it was a little too expensive for you.

Well, obviously something happened. Something came between us that I simply cannot explain. For a while, I wasn't me. I wasn't the me I wanted to be, so I certainly wasn't the right me for you. I hope to change that, but maybe in a way you wouldn't expect.

My plan, should you be willing to hear me out, is to come back. It may be painful, the process may be a little awkward at first, but I think you're worth it. But since I've been gone so long, I couldn't just come back empty handed. I had to bring you something. An offering. A token of my esteem. Here it is: this summer, I will be an intern on the set of "Burn Notice" in Miami, Florida. Since I've kept you waiting for so long, you'll be the first one I come to about each and every experience I have. And guess what else? I'll still try to make time to throw a joke or two in. Hopefully I can come up with some of those ridiculous lists or advice columns I know you love so much.

Well, that's all for now, me. I'll see you soon. For real this time. No, seriously. I'm coming back. Trust me. It's going to happen...

Quick Update

I thought this was cool, so I decided to post it.

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm3191678/

Oh, in case you don't know, that's me.

The Re-Up

I haven't the slightest clue what the title of this post means (if it's good enough for Eminem, it's good enough for me), but then again, I don't know why I've been away for over a month. I feel like I was away from more than just my blog. I feel like I was away from myself, which sounds a little too emo for its own good.

I wish I could say my return will be triumphant. I don't have any trumpets and, to be honest, I don't feel funny tonight. I know you all expect funny from me because, well, I'm generally a riot, but I don't know if it's going to happen tonight.

I have the desire to do something great. Or feel something great. Or write something great. I don't mean a great blog post, but maybe a script. Aaron Sorkin does that to me. Watch Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. And Sports Night. And West Wing.

See, not funny tonight. No silly metaphors about me and you (the readers) being an old married couple. No list consisting of three points (because I'm almost forced to do things in threes like that). But I'm real and I'm back, and for tonight, that's going to be enough.