Update on the Girl Who Smiled

Well, I saw her again. She started walking my away and I expected a life-changing, earth-shattering smile coming straight my way. She looked up and then immediately back at the ground. I don't think I'll be getting her name anytime soon.

It's not exactly the same as what normally happens to me, but things like this happen a lot. Normally, it goes down like this. I meet someone. We get along. They stop talking to me completely and act very uncomfortable when I try to talk to them. So I go from ice cream and puppies and rainbows to the plague in less time than it took to build Rome. Don't let anyone tell you it wasn't built in a day. It was. Look it up.

So I guess what I'm wondering is, what is it about me that so readily repels people? I have a few theories. Let me know what you think.

1. I'm tall.
I know what you're thinking, really, I do. But tell me, if you don't have a thing against tall people, how many of you ever hung out with Wilt Chamberlain? Kareem Abdul Jabar? Manute Bol? Well then, I think I proved that point pretty easily.

2. I have long-ish brown hair.
Doesn't sound intimidating? You probably haven't been introduced to a leo panthera then. Doesn't ring a bell? It's just a gentle, loving creature known more commonly as a lion. That mane strikes terror into many creatures and maybe so does mine.

3. I eat a lot of carbohydrates.
Not normally thought of something that would bring out a fight-or-flight reaction in someone, but that may be part of the problem. If you don't think carbs are scary, then you're obviously not aware that they are the most abundant of the four major classes of biomolecules, which also include proteins, lipids, and nucleic acids (wikipedia.org).

4. I blog sarcastically. 
This can be intimidating to the sarcastically challenged for two reasons. One, because they may not understand I'm being sarcastic. There could be people out there right this second forming destructive relationships and avoiding craigslist at all costs. The second is that when you know a guy has as many as 5 readers at his blog each day, it's hard to stand out among all those faces.

Well, those are my ideas. Tell me if there are any that I've missed, if you decide that returning to my blog really won't be hazardous to your health.

My Birthday

Well, today has been my birthday. I was told yesterday that I am now officially legal, which, since it was by someone I've never met in my life was a little too far beyond creepy for me. Around 80 or so of my closest and dearest friends decided they'd all pitch in and get me what I've always wanted though, 80 or so wall posts on my Facebook page. Jealous? Thought so.

I could spend this entire post being sarcastic about how that's not exactly the best way to show someone you care, but I told myself that I wouldn't spend my birthday that way. I was going to be happy regardless of whether my friends completely ignored me for a day or if they threw me the greatest party ever, which would probably be located at the swanky Chuck E. Cheese. A finer establishment has never been owned by a giant, incredibly terrifying mouse.

No, instead of going that route, I'm going to try something I only try once in a while. Actually, I think it's safe to say that I'm going to try something hardly anyone tries any more than "once in a while." Instead of giving jokes and humor, which, granted, are a big part of me, I'm going to give you something honest, and real, and probably a little bit embarrassing.

Well, here it is. I call it What I Really Want For My Birthday.

What I really want for my birthday doesn't come in a box or an envelope. It won't fit in my wallet or be hung up in my closet. I won't play it in the DVD player or add it to the new music playlist on my iPod. No prior experience will be necessary and no assembly will be required. It won't come in completely unopenable plastic packaging and a 30 day money back guarantee won't be necessary.

What I really want for my birthday is love. To be in love. It sounds ridiculous and it's probably selfish of me, but nothing sounds more wonderful and amazing to me than love. I don't want to make it sound like I'm just desperate and in need of companionship. What I really want is the real thing. The kind that makes it so your heart and brain are going so fast that there's no way your lips will ever be able to catch up and say what's actually going on. The kind that makes it not only okay to be yourself, it makes it absolutely necessary, because without you, it's no longer there. I want to be able to watch a romantic comedy and think that they don't know what they're missing instead of wondering about what I don't have. More than anything, this is what I want.

Well, that and an iPhone.

The Mentalist vs. Psych

Well this one's new. I was looking to watch the newest episode of Dexter because Showtime told me I could (be warned, it lied), and I saw a trailer for a new TV show called The Mentalist. I can't find the trailer I saw, but it went a lot like this.

Crowded street. People are everywhere. Quick flashes of people with close-ups on key pieces of evidence revealing something hidden about them.

MENTALIST

Some people think I'm psychic. Truth is, there's no so thing as psychics. I'm just paying attention.

Sounds like a cool premise, doesn't it? I thought so too, especially when I first saw it three years ago on Psych. In the spirit of The Mentalist, I've decided to pitch you a few of the show concepts I've come up with.

The first is a half-hour sitcom called Mates. We follow six friends living in downtown London as they experience life and love together. A goofy, out-of-work actor lives with a sarcastic, wait, what's his job again? So, no one told you life was going to be this way...

To get the forensic audience drawn in, I plan to promote a little show I like to call CSI: Indianapolis. The catch? Absolutely every episode will have something to do with the Colts. The city officials are caught spending way too much money on an unnecessary new stadium! Someone stole Peyton Manning's talent! A sarcastic blogger is killed for daring to defy the Almighty Colts!

The Factory will feature anyone from any Will Ferrell movie as the blundering supervisor who will never get fired or sued despite being blatantly racist or sexist towards his employees on a number of occasions.

Next on the list is a show I think I'll call Gray's Anatomy. It should be pretty obvious what I did to make this one my own.

I have big hopes for Saturday Afternoon Lights, a show about a high school soccer team set in Texas. Here's to hoping it isn't incredibly underappreciated by whatever network picks it up, gets stuck in a lousy timeslot, and eventually bumped to airing on DirecTV only. Why do we need lights for a Saturday afternoon? Well, um, it's quite overcast a lot?

Villians will follow exactly the same storyline as the mostly unheard of show Heroes. Easy, huh? Absolutely no new creativity required. That seems to be the goal most of the time.

Gotham will be the story of young Bruce Wayne long before Batman ever began. We'll see him with his absolute lack of superpowers doing things such as attracting women with his parents money and playing Xbox 360 on his big screen TV.

It didn't seem like my style to make something I hadn't given a fair chance to (I even have to stop and laugh at that one), so I decided to watch the pilot of the show, and I must say, I was slightly wrong. The Mentalist isn't like Psych. It's like a combination of Psych mixed with the storylines from the first two seasons of Dexter without the style or charm of the lead characters from either show.

I'd like to extend an invitation with this post. Come up with your own television show and leave your short pitch in the comment section. It probably will never compare to originality I've offered in the above shows, but you should at least try.

Destructive Relationships (and the Fun They Can Be)

I've noticed that I cover a lot of controversial topics in my blog: Microsoft, combining volleyball and dating into one massive encouragement-fest, craigslist (no, you don't deserve to be capitalized, craig), and even Dollar General. This one is far beyond those though. I could lose some of my readers, which, when you only have 5, is a big risk.

I'm going to do it though. I'm going to discuss the inherent value of a destructive relationship. It's different than what you think. They aren't valuable because they teach you who not to be with, or the pain associated with them strengthens you, or even because they make you appreciate it when you really find "the one" (or the next one, or the one after that one).

No, no, no. You're mistaken. Their value lies in completely different places. In my normal list-like style, I'll show you a few of the areas I've discovered.

1. Isolationism
No man is an island, but you can sure try. If you're looking to get rid of your pesky friends quicker than the U.S. could ever dream of, a destructive relationship is a good place to start. Your friends will have all of these "caring" things to say to you, such as "he's no good for you" or "no one deserves to be abused" or "she's cheating on you," giving you a perfect opportunity to ignore them and invalidate any friendships you held. With all the people who care about you out of the way, it'll be much easier to focus on the one who doesn't.

2. Stubbornness
Nothing shows a stronger will than a person who's willing to hold on so tightly to a person who barely notices their existence. All the better if the person is abusive. If the person is constantly dehumanizing you and you keep coming back, all of your friends and loved ones will marvel at your stronger than Hulk-like resolve (if you got the embedded comic book joke, good for you).

3. Self esteem
To quote The Offspring song of the same name, "The more you suffer, the more it shows you really care, right? Yeah!" You can gain pride in the fact that you consistently return to the person who shows you just how worthless you really are. Nothing builds self esteem more than clinging to a person despite their less than amorous feelings towards you.

4. Baggage
There's something about having to move on after 2 years of a relationship that didn't nourish you at all. You have a lot of leftovers that stick with you longer than the ones from Thanksgiving. This can be useful when you're to the point of finding a whole new relationship, because it's almost guaranteed that you won't look for anything better than what you're used to, because, hey, why do you deserve it?

I personally try to enter a new destructive relationship every 2 months or so, but I'm an underachiever. Show me up, try for 5 or 6 in a month. You already know the benefits.

The Backburner

I don't know about you, but there are some phrases I just don't hear referring to what they were intended to mean. "Put it on the backburner" is one of them. I can't cook much past a bowl of Frosted Flakes, so I guess that might be part of the reason, but I digress.

The real point is that if there's something important, the backburner is no place for it. It could be a relationship (friendship or otherwise), it could something you have to do, or it could be something you really love to do but seem to get distracted from.

Putting your relationships there ends them pretty quickly. If your actions really do speak louder than your words, then you're practically yelling that you have other things that are more demanding than you. Don't get me wrong, you shouldn't spend every minute of every day nurturing every friendship you've ever had -- sometimes it's even okay to leave a friendship behind -- but just remember what you're saying by not saying anything.

If your job gets pushed back, don't expect a raise or promotion anytime soon. Expect to be moved to the mail center. Unless of course you already work in the mail center, then you'll probably end up hand-cleaning the stains out of the carpet. Unless of course you already hand-cleanthe stains out of the carpet...

If your passions lose their priority, they seem to stop bothering you. Your passions want to be a part of your life, but if you don't want anything to do with them, they'll understand and not waste your time.

I hope you're okay with my less than sarcastic rant. I promise I'll be back in top sarcastic form soon.

Hi, I'm a PC

That's actually a lie. I dutifully type all of my blog posts on my little (read: giant) MacBook Pro that is definitely built for speed and not for comfort. Comfort in this case referring to portability; it doesn't have much since it's bigger and heavier than my Spanish textbook (and that one's a hardcover).

I tend to get off topic a lot. Let's refocus.

Now, the real point is to discuss the recent "Hi, I'm a PC" commercials Microsoft has put out to counter the Get a Mac ad campaign from Apple. In relatively good time too. That makes Microsoft about 47 (yeah, I counted) ads and 2 years behind Apple. 2 years. That's the absolute latest "yeah, well, so's your face" type comeback I think I've ever heard of.

It's funny how some things are just reflections of other things in a bunch of different ways. First, I hold the opinion that Microsoft is about 2 years behind Apple in development in a lot of different ways, but we'll just narrowly skim that subject so I don't get killed in some back alley by an avid PC fan wielding an Ethernet card that Vista couldn't seem to recognize.

No, what really gets me is that this kind of thing has already been covered in popular culture. In a widely popular sitcom, to be exact. Any guesses? Anyone? (insert mandatory Ferris Bueller reference here)

The show was Seinfeld. The episode was The Comeback. Ringing any bells? George Costanza is told that "the ocean called; they're running out of shrimp" while consuming massive amounts of the tiny crustacean and he's left more than a little speechless (but altogether satisfied, because, well, he was eating shrimp). He finally thinks of a comeback, presumably hours later: "Oh yeah, Reilly? Well the jerk store called and they're running out of you."

I'll leave the rest of the episode for your viewing pleasure, but the point is, what's the point of having a retort if it took you more than about a second and a half to come up with? To make matters more interesting, Jerry Seinfeld was in a short series of commercials intended to combat the Mac ads which was promptly cancelled and changed to the new "I'm a PC" commercials, making Seinfeld's commercials the equivalence of the "Oh yeah, Reilly?" followed by another awkward pause before Costanza delivers his jerk store line. Whew.

Now, if only we could get Microsoft to start trying George's idea that "if every instinct I have is wrong, then the opposite must be right." Maybe then 1/3 of PC users wouldn't want to downgrade to the outdated operating system Microsoft offers rather than their newest and flashiest.

I'm Embarrassed to be a Christian

If you're anything like me, you've probably already judged the entire post based on just the title. I felt a little bit bad writing it, to be honest, but the situation just isn't getting any better and it needs to stop.

Christian, to me, should be synonymous with a whole list of words (or phrases), including, but not limited to these: fun, painfully honest, alive, artist, creator, creation, thoughtful, thought-provoking, respectful, respected, loving, real, open, sacrificial, passionate, available, unsafe, peaceful, self-giving, self-assure, sexual and spiritual beings, innovative, content, discontent, settled, unsettling, disrupted, disrupting.

Now, let's compare that to what the word Christian seems to have become identified with: safe, passive, unmotivated, unmoving, intolerant, uneducated, afraid, exclusive, unloving, unemotional, sexually restrained, condemning, closed off, trend followers, impassionate.

Since it does no good to point out problems and not offer solutions, I figured I'd offer three suggestions that could change things up ever so slightly. Despite not being a pastor, or even a pastor in training, I'll offer them in sermon outline style, alliteration and all.

1. Capo
For a group of people who believe they are made by the most innovative of Creators, we seem to have taken the day off in the creativity department. When a people group that should be able to pride (read: be proud of, not be prideful of) itself in innovation has put out the same song more times than Nickelback, something needs to change. If you can't find yourself able to play anything out of the key of G, pick up a capo and knock it up 5 steps or so. It will at least make it look like you're better than you actually are.

2. Cast
I understand the appeal, I really do, but there are actors besides Kirk Cameron looking to act. Kirk Cameron is good, I personally enjoy Growing Pains, but you're going to start stigmatizing yourself if he's the biggest name you have, and you have him for every single movie you do. Find an up and coming actor (for some reason, they're quite willing to do projects quite cheaply) or just rethink your concept for wider appeal. Tell Clooney he owes you one for making you sit through that whole Batman & Robin fiasco.

3. Challenge
Go ahead, show someone something they haven't seen before. They may surprise you and actually appreciate it. Be honest with someone even when you think it benefits you or them to lie. Go out of your way to show someone that there's something different about you and you're not ashamed of that. "As we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same."

It's just a few suggestions, really, it's not that hard. I want to be proud of this label I have chosen. I'm tired of thinking that Christian doesn't belong as an adjective connected to what I want to be, a filmmaker.