Lil Johnin' It

The title of this post could be a little misleading because pulling a Lil John could really mean a few different things. It could be carrying around a ridiculous cup with more diamonds than Sierra Leone. Or it could be having so much gold in your teeth that people mistake it for gingivitis. Those topics will have to wait for another post though (my subtle way of saying I'll never touch on those topics again), because I have something better for you.

Lil Johnin' it, in this case, means to take something that could be kind of nice and innocent and making it inappropriate. To put it in terms that might make a little more sense, Lil John is the "that's what she said" to any song he's thrown into. Yeah, it's finally out in the open. If the music business were "The Office," Lil John would be Michael Scott. No one really quite knows what he's good for, and he's a little too inappropriate for his own good.

Don't believe me? Then allow me to present exhibit A - a little song called "Lovers and Friends," a 2004 ballad with Usher, Ludacris, and his crunkness, Lil John. A cover of Michael Sterling's song, it seems to be about friends turning into more. Aw, cute, right? Well, almost. Unfortunately, this is a Lil John song. Lines like "Put your hand in mine" and "I love you and that's all that matters" are transformed to things I don't feel good about posting in my blog. I'll just say that even though Lil John only manages to get what can best be called the bridge (in his own song, mind you), he tosses in as many verifiable "what'd he say? oh. ew." moments as a Judd Apatow movie.

If you need more proof, you could investigate the Lil John remix to "Cooking by the Book," but I have to warn you, it's terribly, terribly inappropriate. Terribly. You all signed the release waiving any responsibility I might hold for your Internet browsing, right?

If I actually watched "The Office," I might take the time to compare Jim to Kanye West or Dwight to Biz Markie, but I think I'll leave that up to real Office fans.

Taking a Break

No, I'm not taking a break from the blog again. Rather, I just plan to take a break from my normal format. My intentions were to go into another one of my long rants, but things come up. Much more important things, in this case.

I have this friend at school named Haley. I've actually sat here for about 5 minutes or so, attempting to come up with the perfect way to convey her to you all, but nothing quite seems adequate. I guess I'll stick with saying she's the type of person that can make an Astronomy class fun. She can discuss theology or perform Beyonce. And she's got probably the biggest heart I've ever seen.

Today, April 27, 2009, Haley's mom, Susie passed away (I apologize intensely for the lack of better term, nothing seems entirely appropriate or adequate). I believe I only had one conversation with her, ever, but I believe that people are reflections of their parents, so she must have been an incredible woman. A heart as big as Haley's can only be nurtured by someone else with a big heart.

I've spent just about every moment since I found out contemplating the best way to respond. No amount of phone calls or Facebook messages would ever be able to express the sadness I feel for her loss, so I'm opting for a slightly different response. I only ask two things if you read this.

The first is prayer. Lots of prayer. Pray until you run out of words, and then pray more.

The second is simply to pass this along. My prayers could never be enough to help her family through this (I can hardly find the words for this blog), so please, join with me in praying for them.

I'm Back

Hi me,

It's me again. I know what you're thinking. Really, I do. Last time I was around I said I'd come back to you. I said I'd make things better. I said I'd buy you that gold necklace you saw in the window at Jared's and always wanted but weren't allowed to buy because your mom thought it was a little too expensive for you.

Well, obviously something happened. Something came between us that I simply cannot explain. For a while, I wasn't me. I wasn't the me I wanted to be, so I certainly wasn't the right me for you. I hope to change that, but maybe in a way you wouldn't expect.

My plan, should you be willing to hear me out, is to come back. It may be painful, the process may be a little awkward at first, but I think you're worth it. But since I've been gone so long, I couldn't just come back empty handed. I had to bring you something. An offering. A token of my esteem. Here it is: this summer, I will be an intern on the set of "Burn Notice" in Miami, Florida. Since I've kept you waiting for so long, you'll be the first one I come to about each and every experience I have. And guess what else? I'll still try to make time to throw a joke or two in. Hopefully I can come up with some of those ridiculous lists or advice columns I know you love so much.

Well, that's all for now, me. I'll see you soon. For real this time. No, seriously. I'm coming back. Trust me. It's going to happen...