One day, I think I'll stop starting my blogs with apologies for neglecting this for so long, but alas, that day is not today. So, just let me say, from me to you (isn't it great that the word "you" can be singular or plural, so who knows if this is supposed to be personal or not), that I truly regret my absence. I'm sure with a little counseling, we can come through this time stronger and closer than ever.
Seeing as our relationship has been a bit on the rocks lately, I don't want to dive into anything too heavy right now. I wanted to keep conversation light and cheerful, and when I think of happy, my mind almost immediately goes to Apple. Hm, maybe I should work on making more friends.
Anyway, here it is. A list of product that Apple has so stupidly overlooked.
1. The iPatch
If anything, they could have at least called their software updates this. I'd love to be able to use the phrase "Well, my Garageband wasn't working, but then I downloaded the iPatch and now it looks like my self-produced hip-hop album won't have to be delayed after all." If they're not willing to go to those lengths, they could really just make an actual eyepatch and call it that. It could be in the shape of an apple, which would help make known to the world that although you like to pillage and plunder, you're still health conscious.
2. iDoctor
Once again, two options are available. A system diagnostics program named this would be completely awesome, although it would seem that it would only be good for helping if your LCD screen looks blurry. The other option? A virtual reality game. Maybe a MMORPG (please, google it, I'd rather not explain) where you compete in a virtual city against other optometrists for the eyes (get it?) of the community as a whole. That would pwn.
3. iExam
The expansion pack for the above, it allows you further control of just how in-depth you want to be with your patients eyes (I'd recommend retina-deep). Warning though, this is for serious gamers only, as things can get pretty hectic (and tragic if someone tampers with your little puff-of-air-in-the-eye-to-annoy-the-patient machine).
4. iPeas
Well, they already have the iPod, so why not? You know the iPeas would fit perfectly inside. What they are, I'm not exactly sure.
5. iOf-The-Tiger
The limits to this product are the sky. It can do anything from helping you run at 5:00 am after drinking 5 raw eggs, to helping you trounce a tall Russian in the boxing ring, to helping you recover from your wife's death in a movie that hardly anyone saw. I imagine the reception to this product will be a little rocky at first, but it'll catch on.
I hope this, a tiny gesture of my affection, can help begin to repair the rift that has grown between us.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Friday, October 10, 2008
Persuasion
Here's the thing. I could blog every day. I really could, but I don't think I will. I love writing to you guys and reading your responses, but sometimes it just isn't very practical to force out a post every day just to have a post every day. Quality could suffer and I could run out of ideas much sooner than I want to.
All that aside, the new post for the day is advice for trying to persuade a person or group of people. There's a right way and a wrong way, and hopefully next time you want to convince someone that clubbing baby seals isn't as fun as it sounds, you'll think twice about the sandwich board.
Grammar, Spelling, and Syntax
Nothing is more disconcerting to me than to see someone trying to "sell" me something, even if it's just an idea, and noticing something spelled wrong. Our campus is raising awareness about AIDS, so we have facts sidewalk chalked all over the sidewalks. When I read that "6,000 children loose a parent each year because of AIDS every day," I don't feel bad for the child, I feel bad for the parent who is being loosed, I'm guessing in a similar way that Macaulay Culkin essentially broke up with his parents. You might as well tell me that "Every minute, because of AIDS, someone loses someone they hold deer." Of course, I'll be mentally placing a semicolon between "someone" and "they" to make it two independent clauses.
Overdoing it
The second problem I notice is the persistence of the sales pitch. Even the worst salesman wouldn't resort to "Please? Please? How about now? Are you sold now? Let me tell you more. Okay, how about now? Is it working? Please?" People tend to tune repetitive messages out. Not to downplay the seriousness of AIDs, but when I'm walking through campus and every 6 steps shows me a new fact about the epidemic, it loses its shock value and desensitizes me, which is exactly opposite of the goal.
Offer Realistic Solutions
When someone sells a product, the product is, in fact, the realistic solution. My problem is I have no shoes. You offer me shoes. Pretty simple. If the problem is AIDS has killed 28.7 million people in 27 years, I'm left with very few options. Knowing seems to be the only option you've given me. If that's the case, what were you trying to persuade me of in the first place?
Well, that's my best advice if you want to sell something to me. If you want to practice, persuade me to go back to posting every day.
All that aside, the new post for the day is advice for trying to persuade a person or group of people. There's a right way and a wrong way, and hopefully next time you want to convince someone that clubbing baby seals isn't as fun as it sounds, you'll think twice about the sandwich board.
Grammar, Spelling, and Syntax
Nothing is more disconcerting to me than to see someone trying to "sell" me something, even if it's just an idea, and noticing something spelled wrong. Our campus is raising awareness about AIDS, so we have facts sidewalk chalked all over the sidewalks. When I read that "6,000 children loose a parent each year because of AIDS every day," I don't feel bad for the child, I feel bad for the parent who is being loosed, I'm guessing in a similar way that Macaulay Culkin essentially broke up with his parents. You might as well tell me that "Every minute, because of AIDS, someone loses someone they hold deer." Of course, I'll be mentally placing a semicolon between "someone" and "they" to make it two independent clauses.
Overdoing it
The second problem I notice is the persistence of the sales pitch. Even the worst salesman wouldn't resort to "Please? Please? How about now? Are you sold now? Let me tell you more. Okay, how about now? Is it working? Please?" People tend to tune repetitive messages out. Not to downplay the seriousness of AIDs, but when I'm walking through campus and every 6 steps shows me a new fact about the epidemic, it loses its shock value and desensitizes me, which is exactly opposite of the goal.
Offer Realistic Solutions
When someone sells a product, the product is, in fact, the realistic solution. My problem is I have no shoes. You offer me shoes. Pretty simple. If the problem is AIDS has killed 28.7 million people in 27 years, I'm left with very few options. Knowing seems to be the only option you've given me. If that's the case, what were you trying to persuade me of in the first place?
Well, that's my best advice if you want to sell something to me. If you want to practice, persuade me to go back to posting every day.
Monday, October 6, 2008
5 Things You Can Do That Drive Him Wild
Statistics show that 92.795% of the time you're in the checkout line at a grocery store, you'll notice magazines such as Cosmo with cover stories titled something very similar to the title of this post. What they don't tell you up front is that these articles are essentially worthless.
What? Seventeen magazine changed your life with it's 32 Ways to Tell if He's into You article? Well good, you spent $4.99 on something you could've learned by, I don't know, not being a 12-year-old. The signs are obvious if you're looking for them.
But, since I'm a generous guy, I decided to make a little cheat sheet for the ladies out there who aren't quite as, shall we say, adept at attracting the less fair sex.
5 Things You Can Do That Drive Him Wild
5. Carry Yourself
The way a woman walks speaks volumes to her personality. A man can sometimes tell just by the way she crosses a room whether or not he'll be getting her number. If you want him to ask for your number, the best approach is to cross the room at a leisurely pace. If you're running, he may assume that you have slightly more pressing issues at the moment, and we all know that thought's just not conducive to getting his attention, except in the "Oh my, she must be a volunteer firefighter who just got a call about a four-alarm fire in a two-story house" way.
4. Dress to Kill
That black slinky number that's been in your closet for too long? Get that out and dust it off. It's going to work for you tonight. He'll never notice you unless you wear something that shows off each and every one of your curves. Unless of course you wore something else. Anything else. He'd probably just as easily notice you in a baggy sweatshirt and athletic shorts after you went for a run, but spend $150 on an outfit you'll only wear once. It'll help, I swear.
3. Play Make (-Up) Believe
You've heard that the key to applying makeup is to make yourself look more natural. Make yourself look more natural. Right. The goal is the exact opposite of natural. Have a pimple? Use some concealer. Oh, but then you need to use blush to balance the rest of your face. Better darken the mascara to even things out. Some dark lipstick to touch it up, and voila. We're done. Hopefully by now you look nothing like yourself. That's what he likes.
2. Smile
You're never fully dressed without a smile. If your smile doesn't look like it was painted on by Michelangelo himself, chances are he won't give you a second look. Or a third. Or a forth. Or... wait, why's he still looking even though I keep glaring at him?
1. Don't be Dead
I'm going to be honest here. The other points were all complete lies. We just need to sell the magazine. All you really have to do to get a guy's attention is not be dead. Guys don't really notice corpses unless they're responsible for embalming them.
Well, there it is. The cards on the table. The only thing you need to do is, well, nothing. He's going to notice you pretty much no matter what you do or don't do. My point isn't that you shouldn't try, you should. My point is that guys are wired to have this reaction "what? female? where? is she single?" no matter what you do anyway, so give yourself a break. Then maybe we can too.
What? Seventeen magazine changed your life with it's 32 Ways to Tell if He's into You article? Well good, you spent $4.99 on something you could've learned by, I don't know, not being a 12-year-old. The signs are obvious if you're looking for them.
But, since I'm a generous guy, I decided to make a little cheat sheet for the ladies out there who aren't quite as, shall we say, adept at attracting the less fair sex.
5 Things You Can Do That Drive Him Wild
5. Carry Yourself
The way a woman walks speaks volumes to her personality. A man can sometimes tell just by the way she crosses a room whether or not he'll be getting her number. If you want him to ask for your number, the best approach is to cross the room at a leisurely pace. If you're running, he may assume that you have slightly more pressing issues at the moment, and we all know that thought's just not conducive to getting his attention, except in the "Oh my, she must be a volunteer firefighter who just got a call about a four-alarm fire in a two-story house" way.
4. Dress to Kill
That black slinky number that's been in your closet for too long? Get that out and dust it off. It's going to work for you tonight. He'll never notice you unless you wear something that shows off each and every one of your curves. Unless of course you wore something else. Anything else. He'd probably just as easily notice you in a baggy sweatshirt and athletic shorts after you went for a run, but spend $150 on an outfit you'll only wear once. It'll help, I swear.
3. Play Make (-Up) Believe
You've heard that the key to applying makeup is to make yourself look more natural. Make yourself look more natural. Right. The goal is the exact opposite of natural. Have a pimple? Use some concealer. Oh, but then you need to use blush to balance the rest of your face. Better darken the mascara to even things out. Some dark lipstick to touch it up, and voila. We're done. Hopefully by now you look nothing like yourself. That's what he likes.
2. Smile
You're never fully dressed without a smile. If your smile doesn't look like it was painted on by Michelangelo himself, chances are he won't give you a second look. Or a third. Or a forth. Or... wait, why's he still looking even though I keep glaring at him?
1. Don't be Dead
I'm going to be honest here. The other points were all complete lies. We just need to sell the magazine. All you really have to do to get a guy's attention is not be dead. Guys don't really notice corpses unless they're responsible for embalming them.
Well, there it is. The cards on the table. The only thing you need to do is, well, nothing. He's going to notice you pretty much no matter what you do or don't do. My point isn't that you shouldn't try, you should. My point is that guys are wired to have this reaction "what? female? where? is she single?" no matter what you do anyway, so give yourself a break. Then maybe we can too.
Saturday, October 4, 2008
Wanting Others to Prove You Wrong
Well, I missed a day. I had a good rhythm going. A blog post every day. Then, I missed a day. Forgive me, my readers. I can't imagine what you did without the daily dose of sarcasm I provide. I'd imagine a few withdrawal symptoms were experienced and for that, I'm sorry.
Have no fear though, I'm back with a new silly quirk to criticize and exploit in the usual fashion. This one's a doosie, believe me.
I called it wanting others to prove you wrong, but you can think of it as wanting others to disagree with you, if that makes it easier to understand. Rather than going through a long explanation process of the concept, I'll give you a short concise example.
See what happened there? I hear some call it fishing for a compliment, but I prefer to think that fishing wouldn't like its good name tarnished with something as prideful as this. Instead, we'll call it candidating for compliments. I have two reason: I haven't used alliteration this pathetically in a while and politics really don't have a good name to tarnish.
I never try to offer problems without solutions. I realize the need to get compliments, approval, and self-worth from others, so I'm going to offer a few different ways of getting those kind words without being quite so manipulative.
Ask
Demand
Well, that's where I'm going to leave this post lie. I would write more, but I'm just not a very good writer...
Have no fear though, I'm back with a new silly quirk to criticize and exploit in the usual fashion. This one's a doosie, believe me.
I called it wanting others to prove you wrong, but you can think of it as wanting others to disagree with you, if that makes it easier to understand. Rather than going through a long explanation process of the concept, I'll give you a short concise example.
MAN
I'm such a lazy person.
WOMAN
(sympathetically)
No you're not! You're very active, I've never seen you go through the drive-thru at McDonald's. You always go inside.
See what happened there? I hear some call it fishing for a compliment, but I prefer to think that fishing wouldn't like its good name tarnished with something as prideful as this. Instead, we'll call it candidating for compliments. I have two reason: I haven't used alliteration this pathetically in a while and politics really don't have a good name to tarnish.
I never try to offer problems without solutions. I realize the need to get compliments, approval, and self-worth from others, so I'm going to offer a few different ways of getting those kind words without being quite so manipulative.
Ask
This one will take some guts. It takes a lot of courage to go up to the cute guy in your psychology class and say "Will you tell me how awesome I am?" Of course if the person you're asking really is just "the cute guy in your psychology class" and you've never had a conversation before, he probably won't have many kind words to say to you. Maybe you should try it with the guy you've been in love with for 2 years but he won't notice you because he's been with his high school sweetheart since, well, high school. He didn't notice your last haircut or that you now have glasses, but he's invested in you enough to tell you wonderful things about yourself, right?
Demand
This one's fun, I promise. You get some self-esteem points just for being able to utter the words "I'm pretty. Tell me why you think so." I do have one word of caution for this one though. People will start becoming too eager to compliment you when you go about it this way and probably pay you far too many compliments than you asked for. And of course it's sincere, why else would they say it?
Well, that's where I'm going to leave this post lie. I would write more, but I'm just not a very good writer...
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Hallelujah
You guys know me pretty well by now. You're probably starting to get a feel for what I've got going on in my head and I feel genuinely sorry for those of you that do. But, in all actuality, that's one of the side effects of this blog and it was listed on the side of the bottle. Go ahead, check. Yeah, there it is.
Well, moving on to more timely things, that is to say that this really isn't breaking news by any means, in fact, I'm moving way away from current on this one, but it's important regardless. It's about the song Hallelujah. Leonard Cohen takes the original rights, and although I'm not a big fan of his version, he wrote it, so he can pretty much do whatever he wants with it. It's also been covered by John Cale, Rufus Wainwright, Jeff Buckley, Alistair Griffin, Allison Crowe, K.D. Lang, and Bon Jovi, to name a few. None of these versions do to the song what the following version does.
Yeah, you read that correctly. None of the previously mentioned versions do to the song what this one did. None of those other versions completely ruined a perfectly good song.
I added a paragraph break to give you time to gasp at my statement. I hope you used it wisely. If not, we can all wait for you to catch up to the rest of us. Now that you're ready, let me explain myself.
Lincoln Brewster took a song that was simultaneously stunningly beautiful and painfully heartbreaking and turned it into a worship song that sounds like it should have been written by the same genius behind popular hits like Mary Had a Little Lamb or The Itsy-Bitsy Spider. I don't claim to be a brilliant songwriter myself, but hey, that's why I don't write songs.
I don't exactly know what my real complaint here is. It could be that he chops some of Cohen's verses in order to add in lines like "I love you Lord with all my heart/You've given me a brand new start," but decides to leave in the part about the fourth, the fifth, the minor fall, and the major lift. It could be that the song already had some pretty blatantly biblical based themes that contain a lot more heart than "I know that you're the God above/You're filling me with grace and love." Or it could be just the resonating complaint that we seemed to have run the Christianity well dry and now we're taking water from the secular well and adding artificial God flavoring.
Regardless, I think there's only one response I'm capable of. Respond in suit. Here they are, my newly Christianized songs.
All I Want for Christmas is You
This one's easy. Mariah Carey must have wanted us to retool it for a Christmastime worship service. "Make my wish come true, Jesus, all I want for Christmas is You." Not only does that put Christ right back in the center of Christmas, it also gives us the warm, fuzzy feeling that Jesus is a genie who makes wishes come true.
Bret, You've Got It Going On
In case you haven't heard it, this is a Flight of the Conchords song. Once again, nothing to it really. Replace Bret with God and you've got yourself a perfect song to transpose to the key of G. It may start getting awkward once you get to the "I need a woman, so I imagine you with some bosoms" section though.
Gin and Juice
La-de-da-de-da, it's the one and only G-O-double-D. This one was a little tougher, especially when it comes to the verses, so you'd probably just have to replace the chorus with "Sippin' on Jesus Juice (laidback, with my mind on my tithing and my tithing on my mind)." Obviously this one would happen on communion day some time before the offering plate is passed around.
Welcome to the Jungle
Since I hadn't actually come up with a ridiculous Christian version of a truly classic song, I thought I'd try out a little Guns 'N Roses, see what I could get from them. Here's what I've got.
Welcome to the chapel
We've got Christians here
When you hear the pastor speaking
Raise your godly cheer
We are the people who will sing
With whatever song they play
Hope you've got your money, honey
Here's the offering plate
In the chapel
Welcome to the chapel
Gonna bring you to your shuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh knees, knees
Bonus: Tears in Heaven
I call this one a bonus because Eric Clapton did a pretty brilliant job of setting up this one for us already. He wrote it about his son who died, but let's take all the feeling he put into it completely out and insert our own meaning. That's what art's all about, right?
I'm hoping that the next time I go to a worship service, I'll recognize all the songs that are played. But not in the "Oh, no, not Blessed be your Name!" sort of way, but in the "Hey, wasn't this originally a Beatles' song? About drugs? Alright, cool."
Well, moving on to more timely things, that is to say that this really isn't breaking news by any means, in fact, I'm moving way away from current on this one, but it's important regardless. It's about the song Hallelujah. Leonard Cohen takes the original rights, and although I'm not a big fan of his version, he wrote it, so he can pretty much do whatever he wants with it. It's also been covered by John Cale, Rufus Wainwright, Jeff Buckley, Alistair Griffin, Allison Crowe, K.D. Lang, and Bon Jovi, to name a few. None of these versions do to the song what the following version does.
Yeah, you read that correctly. None of the previously mentioned versions do to the song what this one did. None of those other versions completely ruined a perfectly good song.
I added a paragraph break to give you time to gasp at my statement. I hope you used it wisely. If not, we can all wait for you to catch up to the rest of us. Now that you're ready, let me explain myself.
Lincoln Brewster took a song that was simultaneously stunningly beautiful and painfully heartbreaking and turned it into a worship song that sounds like it should have been written by the same genius behind popular hits like Mary Had a Little Lamb or The Itsy-Bitsy Spider. I don't claim to be a brilliant songwriter myself, but hey, that's why I don't write songs.
I don't exactly know what my real complaint here is. It could be that he chops some of Cohen's verses in order to add in lines like "I love you Lord with all my heart/You've given me a brand new start," but decides to leave in the part about the fourth, the fifth, the minor fall, and the major lift. It could be that the song already had some pretty blatantly biblical based themes that contain a lot more heart than "I know that you're the God above/You're filling me with grace and love." Or it could be just the resonating complaint that we seemed to have run the Christianity well dry and now we're taking water from the secular well and adding artificial God flavoring.
Regardless, I think there's only one response I'm capable of. Respond in suit. Here they are, my newly Christianized songs.
All I Want for Christmas is You
This one's easy. Mariah Carey must have wanted us to retool it for a Christmastime worship service. "Make my wish come true, Jesus, all I want for Christmas is You." Not only does that put Christ right back in the center of Christmas, it also gives us the warm, fuzzy feeling that Jesus is a genie who makes wishes come true.
Bret, You've Got It Going On
In case you haven't heard it, this is a Flight of the Conchords song. Once again, nothing to it really. Replace Bret with God and you've got yourself a perfect song to transpose to the key of G. It may start getting awkward once you get to the "I need a woman, so I imagine you with some bosoms" section though.
Gin and Juice
La-de-da-de-da, it's the one and only G-O-double-D. This one was a little tougher, especially when it comes to the verses, so you'd probably just have to replace the chorus with "Sippin' on Jesus Juice (laidback, with my mind on my tithing and my tithing on my mind)." Obviously this one would happen on communion day some time before the offering plate is passed around.
Welcome to the Jungle
Since I hadn't actually come up with a ridiculous Christian version of a truly classic song, I thought I'd try out a little Guns 'N Roses, see what I could get from them. Here's what I've got.
Welcome to the chapel
We've got Christians here
When you hear the pastor speaking
Raise your godly cheer
We are the people who will sing
With whatever song they play
Hope you've got your money, honey
Here's the offering plate
In the chapel
Welcome to the chapel
Gonna bring you to your shuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh knees, knees
Bonus: Tears in Heaven
I call this one a bonus because Eric Clapton did a pretty brilliant job of setting up this one for us already. He wrote it about his son who died, but let's take all the feeling he put into it completely out and insert our own meaning. That's what art's all about, right?
I'm hoping that the next time I go to a worship service, I'll recognize all the songs that are played. But not in the "Oh, no, not Blessed be your Name!" sort of way, but in the "Hey, wasn't this originally a Beatles' song? About drugs? Alright, cool."
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
The Pursuit of Happyness (and God)
I learn things about myself and other Christians from the weirdest places. This one's from the Will Smith movie with the same title as my blog post (well, almost the same). In case you haven't seen it, it's the story of Christopher Gardner and his rise from living in a homeless shelter to working as an investment banker. I liked it.
The point of this post isn't a movie review though, so we'll move on. It's about something that was said in the movie. Here's the quote.
The point of this post isn't a movie review though, so we'll move on. It's about something that was said in the movie. Here's the quote.
CHRISTOPHER
Hey dad, you wanna hear something funny? There was a man who was drowning, and a boat came, and the man on the boat said "Do you need help?" and the man said "God will save me". Then another boat came and he tried to help him, but he said "God will save me", then he drowned and went to Heaven. Then the man told God, "God, why didn't you save me?" and God said "I sent you two boats, you dummy!
It's much cuter when it's delivered by a little boy rather than typed out by a semi-serious blogger, I realize, but think about how profound this really is. While looking for a giant miraculous God-appearance on thunder and chariots, we miss God stopping by to say hello in the friendly sailor offering to throw us a life-preserver.
My only real point is that maybe next time you're looking for God's guidance in a decision, maybe the thing you need to realize is that an opportunity has presented itself. Maybe that in and of itself is God's guidance. Maybe waiting for a bigger sign will make you miss out completely. Maybe God really does speak in the still, small voice.
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