Products Apple Has Neglected

One day, I think I'll stop starting my blogs with apologies for neglecting this for so long, but alas, that day is not today. So, just let me say, from me to you (isn't it great that the word "you" can be singular or plural, so who knows if this is supposed to be personal or not), that I truly regret my absence. I'm sure with a little counseling, we can come through this time stronger and closer than ever.

Seeing as our relationship has been a bit on the rocks lately, I don't want to dive into anything too heavy right now. I wanted to keep conversation light and cheerful, and when I think of happy, my mind almost immediately goes to Apple. Hm, maybe I should work on making more friends.

Anyway, here it is. A list of product that Apple has so stupidly overlooked.

1. The iPatch
If anything, they could have at least called their software updates this. I'd love to be able to use the phrase "Well, my Garageband wasn't working, but then I downloaded the iPatch and now it looks like my self-produced hip-hop album won't have to be delayed after all." If they're not willing to go to those lengths, they could really just make an actual eyepatch and call it that. It could be in the shape of an apple, which would help make known to the world that although you like to pillage and plunder, you're still health conscious.

2. iDoctor
Once again, two options are available. A system diagnostics program named this would be completely awesome, although it would seem that it would only be good for helping if your LCD screen looks blurry. The other option? A virtual reality game. Maybe a MMORPG (please, google it, I'd rather not explain) where you compete in a virtual city against other optometrists for the eyes (get it?) of the community as a whole. That would pwn.

3. iExam
The expansion pack for the above, it allows you further control of just how in-depth you want to be with your patients eyes (I'd recommend retina-deep). Warning though, this is for serious gamers only, as things can get pretty hectic (and tragic if someone tampers with your little puff-of-air-in-the-eye-to-annoy-the-patient machine).

4. iPeas
Well, they already have the iPod, so why not? You know the iPeas would fit perfectly inside. What they are, I'm not exactly sure.

5. iOf-The-Tiger
The limits to this product are the sky. It can do anything from helping you run at 5:00 am after drinking 5 raw eggs, to helping you trounce a tall Russian in the boxing ring, to helping you recover from your wife's death in a movie that hardly anyone saw. I imagine the reception to this product will be a little rocky at first, but it'll catch on.

I hope this, a tiny gesture of my affection, can help begin to repair the rift that has grown between us.