Quick Update

I thought this was cool, so I decided to post it.

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm3191678/

Oh, in case you don't know, that's me.

The Re-Up

I haven't the slightest clue what the title of this post means (if it's good enough for Eminem, it's good enough for me), but then again, I don't know why I've been away for over a month. I feel like I was away from more than just my blog. I feel like I was away from myself, which sounds a little too emo for its own good.

I wish I could say my return will be triumphant. I don't have any trumpets and, to be honest, I don't feel funny tonight. I know you all expect funny from me because, well, I'm generally a riot, but I don't know if it's going to happen tonight.

I have the desire to do something great. Or feel something great. Or write something great. I don't mean a great blog post, but maybe a script. Aaron Sorkin does that to me. Watch Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. And Sports Night. And West Wing.

See, not funny tonight. No silly metaphors about me and you (the readers) being an old married couple. No list consisting of three points (because I'm almost forced to do things in threes like that). But I'm real and I'm back, and for tonight, that's going to be enough.

Products Apple Has Neglected

One day, I think I'll stop starting my blogs with apologies for neglecting this for so long, but alas, that day is not today. So, just let me say, from me to you (isn't it great that the word "you" can be singular or plural, so who knows if this is supposed to be personal or not), that I truly regret my absence. I'm sure with a little counseling, we can come through this time stronger and closer than ever.

Seeing as our relationship has been a bit on the rocks lately, I don't want to dive into anything too heavy right now. I wanted to keep conversation light and cheerful, and when I think of happy, my mind almost immediately goes to Apple. Hm, maybe I should work on making more friends.

Anyway, here it is. A list of product that Apple has so stupidly overlooked.

1. The iPatch
If anything, they could have at least called their software updates this. I'd love to be able to use the phrase "Well, my Garageband wasn't working, but then I downloaded the iPatch and now it looks like my self-produced hip-hop album won't have to be delayed after all." If they're not willing to go to those lengths, they could really just make an actual eyepatch and call it that. It could be in the shape of an apple, which would help make known to the world that although you like to pillage and plunder, you're still health conscious.

2. iDoctor
Once again, two options are available. A system diagnostics program named this would be completely awesome, although it would seem that it would only be good for helping if your LCD screen looks blurry. The other option? A virtual reality game. Maybe a MMORPG (please, google it, I'd rather not explain) where you compete in a virtual city against other optometrists for the eyes (get it?) of the community as a whole. That would pwn.

3. iExam
The expansion pack for the above, it allows you further control of just how in-depth you want to be with your patients eyes (I'd recommend retina-deep). Warning though, this is for serious gamers only, as things can get pretty hectic (and tragic if someone tampers with your little puff-of-air-in-the-eye-to-annoy-the-patient machine).

4. iPeas
Well, they already have the iPod, so why not? You know the iPeas would fit perfectly inside. What they are, I'm not exactly sure.

5. iOf-The-Tiger
The limits to this product are the sky. It can do anything from helping you run at 5:00 am after drinking 5 raw eggs, to helping you trounce a tall Russian in the boxing ring, to helping you recover from your wife's death in a movie that hardly anyone saw. I imagine the reception to this product will be a little rocky at first, but it'll catch on.

I hope this, a tiny gesture of my affection, can help begin to repair the rift that has grown between us.

Persuasion

Here's the thing. I could blog every day. I really could, but I don't think I will. I love writing to you guys and reading your responses, but sometimes it just isn't very practical to force out a post every day just to have a post every day. Quality could suffer and I could run out of ideas much sooner than I want to.

All that aside, the new post for the day is advice for trying to persuade a person or group of people. There's a right way and a wrong way, and hopefully next time you want to convince someone that clubbing baby seals isn't as fun as it sounds, you'll think twice about the sandwich board.

Grammar, Spelling, and Syntax
Nothing is more disconcerting to me than to see someone trying to "sell" me something, even if it's just an idea, and noticing something spelled wrong. Our campus is raising awareness about AIDS, so we have facts sidewalk chalked all over the sidewalks. When I read that "6,000 children loose a parent each year because of AIDS every day," I don't feel bad for the child, I feel bad for the parent who is being loosed, I'm guessing in a similar way that Macaulay Culkin essentially broke up with his parents. You might as well tell me that "Every minute, because of AIDS, someone loses someone they hold deer." Of course, I'll be mentally placing a semicolon between "someone" and "they" to make it two independent clauses.

Overdoing it
The second problem I notice is the persistence of the sales pitch. Even the worst salesman wouldn't resort to "Please? Please? How about now? Are you sold now? Let me tell you more. Okay, how about now? Is it working? Please?" People tend to tune repetitive messages out. Not to downplay the seriousness of AIDs, but when I'm walking through campus and every 6 steps shows me a new fact about the epidemic, it loses its shock value and desensitizes me, which is exactly opposite of the goal.

Offer Realistic Solutions
When someone sells a product, the product is, in fact, the realistic solution. My problem is I have no shoes. You offer me shoes. Pretty simple. If the problem is AIDS has killed 28.7 million people in 27 years, I'm left with very few options. Knowing seems to be the only option you've given me. If that's the case, what were you trying to persuade me of in the first place?

Well, that's my best advice if you want to sell something to me. If you want to practice, persuade me to go back to posting every day.

5 Things You Can Do That Drive Him Wild

Statistics show that 92.795% of the time you're in the checkout line at a grocery store, you'll notice magazines such as Cosmo with cover stories titled something very similar to the title of this post. What they don't tell you up front is that these articles are essentially worthless.

What? Seventeen magazine changed your life with it's 32 Ways to Tell if He's into You article? Well good, you spent $4.99 on something you could've learned by, I don't know, not being a 12-year-old. The signs are obvious if you're looking for them.

But, since I'm a generous guy, I decided to make a little cheat sheet for the ladies out there who aren't quite as, shall we say, adept at attracting the less fair sex.

5 Things You Can Do That Drive Him Wild

5. Carry Yourself
The way a woman walks speaks volumes to her personality. A man can sometimes tell just by the way she crosses a room whether or not he'll be getting her number. If you want him to ask for your number, the best approach is to cross the room at a leisurely pace. If you're running, he may assume that you have slightly more pressing issues at the moment, and we all know that thought's just not conducive to getting his attention, except in the "Oh my, she must be a volunteer firefighter who just got a call about a four-alarm fire in a two-story house" way.

4. Dress to Kill
That black slinky number that's been in your closet for too long? Get that out and dust it off. It's going to work for you tonight. He'll never notice you unless you wear something that shows off each and every one of your curves. Unless of course you wore something else. Anything else. He'd probably just as easily notice you in a baggy sweatshirt and athletic shorts after you went for a run, but spend $150 on an outfit you'll only wear once. It'll help, I swear.

3. Play Make (-Up) Believe
You've heard that the key to applying makeup is to make yourself look more natural. Make yourself look more natural. Right. The goal is the exact opposite of natural. Have a pimple? Use some concealer. Oh, but then you need to use blush to balance the rest of your face. Better darken the mascara to even things out. Some dark lipstick to touch it up, and voila. We're done. Hopefully by now you look nothing like yourself. That's what he likes.

2. Smile
You're never fully dressed without a smile. If your smile doesn't look like it was painted on by Michelangelo himself, chances are he won't give you a second look. Or a third. Or a forth. Or... wait, why's he still looking even though I keep glaring at him?

1. Don't be Dead
I'm going to be honest here. The other points were all complete lies. We just need to sell the magazine. All you really have to do to get a guy's attention is not be dead. Guys don't really notice corpses unless they're responsible for embalming them.

Well, there it is. The cards on the table. The only thing you need to do is, well, nothing. He's going to notice you pretty much no matter what you do or don't do. My point isn't that you shouldn't try, you should. My point is that guys are wired to have this reaction "what? female? where? is she single?" no matter what you do anyway, so give yourself a break. Then maybe we can too.

Wanting Others to Prove You Wrong

Well, I missed a day. I had a good rhythm going. A blog post every day. Then, I missed a day. Forgive me, my readers. I can't imagine what you did without the daily dose of sarcasm I provide. I'd imagine a few withdrawal symptoms were experienced and for that, I'm sorry.

Have no fear though, I'm back with a new silly quirk to criticize and exploit in the usual fashion. This one's a doosie, believe me.

I called it wanting others to prove you wrong, but you can think of it as wanting others to disagree with you, if that makes it easier to understand. Rather than going through a long explanation process of the concept, I'll give you a short concise example.

MAN

I'm such a lazy person.

WOMAN

(sympathetically)

No you're not! You're very active, I've never seen you go through the drive-thru at McDonald's. You always go inside.

See what happened there? I hear some call it fishing for a compliment, but I prefer to think that fishing wouldn't like its good name tarnished with something as prideful as this. Instead, we'll call it candidating for compliments. I have two reason: I haven't used alliteration this pathetically in a while and politics really don't have a good name to tarnish.

I never try to offer problems without solutions. I realize the need to get compliments, approval, and self-worth from others, so I'm going to offer a few different ways of getting those kind words without being quite so manipulative.

Ask

This one will take some guts. It takes a lot of courage to go up to the cute guy in your psychology class and say "Will you tell me how awesome I am?" Of course if the person you're asking really is just "the cute guy in your psychology class" and you've never had a conversation before, he probably won't have many kind words to say to you. Maybe you should try it with the guy you've been in love with for 2 years but he won't notice you because he's been with his high school sweetheart since, well, high school. He didn't notice your last haircut or that you now have glasses, but he's invested in you enough to tell you wonderful things about yourself, right?

Demand

This one's fun, I promise. You get some self-esteem points just for being able to utter the words "I'm pretty. Tell me why you think so." I do have one word of caution for this one though. People will start becoming too eager to compliment you when you go about it this way and probably pay you far too many compliments than you asked for. And of course it's sincere, why else would they say it?

Well, that's where I'm going to leave this post lie. I would write more, but I'm just not a very good writer...

Hallelujah

You guys know me pretty well by now. You're probably starting to get a feel for what I've got going on in my head and I feel genuinely sorry for those of you that do.  But, in all actuality, that's one of the side effects of this blog and it was listed on the side of the bottle. Go ahead, check. Yeah, there it is.

Well, moving on to more timely things, that is to say that this really isn't breaking news by any means, in fact, I'm moving way away from current on this one, but it's important regardless. It's about the song Hallelujah. Leonard Cohen takes the original rights, and although I'm not a big fan of his version, he wrote it, so he can pretty much do whatever he wants with it. It's also been covered by John Cale, Rufus Wainwright, Jeff Buckley, Alistair Griffin, Allison Crowe, K.D. Lang, and Bon Jovi, to name a few. None of these versions do to the song what the following version does.



Yeah, you read that correctly. None of the previously mentioned versions do to the song what this one did. None of those other versions completely ruined a perfectly good song.

I added a paragraph break to give you time to gasp at my statement. I hope you used it wisely. If not, we can all wait for you to catch up to the rest of us. Now that you're ready, let me explain myself.

Lincoln Brewster took a song that was simultaneously stunningly beautiful and painfully heartbreaking and turned it into a worship song that sounds like it should have been written by the same genius behind popular hits like Mary Had a Little Lamb or The Itsy-Bitsy Spider. I don't claim to be a brilliant songwriter myself, but hey, that's why I don't write songs.

I don't exactly know what my real complaint here is. It could be that he chops some of Cohen's verses in order to add in lines like "I love you Lord with all my heart/You've given me a brand new start," but decides to leave in the part about the fourth, the fifth, the minor fall, and the major lift. It could be that the song already had some pretty blatantly biblical based themes that contain a lot more heart than "I know that you're the God above/You're filling me with grace and love." Or it could be just the resonating complaint that we seemed to have run the Christianity well dry and now we're taking water from the secular well and adding artificial God flavoring.

Regardless, I think there's only one response I'm capable of. Respond in suit. Here they are, my newly Christianized songs.

All I Want for Christmas is You
This one's easy. Mariah Carey must have wanted us to retool it for a Christmastime worship service. "Make my wish come true, Jesus, all I want for Christmas is You." Not only does that put Christ right back in the center of Christmas, it also gives us the warm, fuzzy feeling that Jesus is a genie who makes wishes come true.

Bret, You've Got It Going On
In case you haven't heard it, this is a Flight of the Conchords song. Once again, nothing to it really. Replace Bret with God and you've got yourself a perfect song to transpose to the key of G. It may start getting awkward once you get to the "I need a woman, so I imagine you with some bosoms" section though.

Gin and Juice
La-de-da-de-da, it's the one and only G-O-double-D. This one was a little tougher, especially when it comes to the verses, so you'd probably just have to replace the chorus with "Sippin' on Jesus Juice (laidback, with my mind on my tithing and my tithing on my mind)." Obviously this one would happen on communion day some time before the offering plate is passed around.

Welcome to the Jungle
Since I hadn't actually come up with a ridiculous Christian version of a truly classic song, I thought I'd try out a little Guns 'N Roses, see what I could get from them. Here's what I've got.
Welcome to the chapel
We've got Christians here
When you hear the pastor speaking
Raise your godly cheer
We are the people who will sing
With whatever song they play
Hope you've got your money, honey
Here's the offering plate
In the chapel
Welcome to the chapel
Gonna bring you to your shuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh knees, knees

Bonus: Tears in Heaven
I call this one a bonus because Eric Clapton did a pretty brilliant job of setting up this one for us already. He wrote it about his son who died, but let's take all the feeling he put into it completely out and insert our own meaning. That's what art's all about, right?

I'm hoping that the next time I go to a worship service, I'll recognize all the songs that are played. But not in the "Oh, no, not Blessed be your Name!" sort of way, but in the "Hey, wasn't this originally a Beatles' song? About drugs? Alright, cool."

The Pursuit of Happyness (and God)

I learn things about myself and other Christians from the weirdest places. This one's from the Will Smith movie with the same title as my blog post (well, almost the same). In case you haven't seen it, it's the story of Christopher Gardner and his rise from living in a homeless shelter to working as an investment banker. I liked it.

The point of this post isn't a movie review though, so we'll move on. It's about something that was said in the movie. Here's the quote.

CHRISTOPHER

Hey dad, you wanna hear something funny? There was a man who was drowning, and a boat came, and the man on the boat said "Do you need help?" and the man said "God will save me". Then another boat came and he tried to help him, but he said "God will save me", then he drowned and went to Heaven. Then the man told God, "God, why didn't you save me?" and God said "I sent you two boats, you dummy! 

It's much cuter when it's delivered by a little boy rather than typed out by a semi-serious blogger, I realize, but think about how profound this really is. While looking for a giant miraculous God-appearance on thunder and chariots, we miss God stopping by to say hello in the friendly sailor offering to throw us a life-preserver.

My only real point is that maybe next time you're looking for God's guidance in a decision, maybe the thing you need to realize is that an opportunity has presented itself. Maybe that in and of itself is God's guidance. Maybe waiting for a bigger sign will make you miss out completely. Maybe God really does speak in the still, small voice.

Update on the Girl Who Smiled

Well, I saw her again. She started walking my away and I expected a life-changing, earth-shattering smile coming straight my way. She looked up and then immediately back at the ground. I don't think I'll be getting her name anytime soon.

It's not exactly the same as what normally happens to me, but things like this happen a lot. Normally, it goes down like this. I meet someone. We get along. They stop talking to me completely and act very uncomfortable when I try to talk to them. So I go from ice cream and puppies and rainbows to the plague in less time than it took to build Rome. Don't let anyone tell you it wasn't built in a day. It was. Look it up.

So I guess what I'm wondering is, what is it about me that so readily repels people? I have a few theories. Let me know what you think.

1. I'm tall.
I know what you're thinking, really, I do. But tell me, if you don't have a thing against tall people, how many of you ever hung out with Wilt Chamberlain? Kareem Abdul Jabar? Manute Bol? Well then, I think I proved that point pretty easily.

2. I have long-ish brown hair.
Doesn't sound intimidating? You probably haven't been introduced to a leo panthera then. Doesn't ring a bell? It's just a gentle, loving creature known more commonly as a lion. That mane strikes terror into many creatures and maybe so does mine.

3. I eat a lot of carbohydrates.
Not normally thought of something that would bring out a fight-or-flight reaction in someone, but that may be part of the problem. If you don't think carbs are scary, then you're obviously not aware that they are the most abundant of the four major classes of biomolecules, which also include proteins, lipids, and nucleic acids (wikipedia.org).

4. I blog sarcastically. 
This can be intimidating to the sarcastically challenged for two reasons. One, because they may not understand I'm being sarcastic. There could be people out there right this second forming destructive relationships and avoiding craigslist at all costs. The second is that when you know a guy has as many as 5 readers at his blog each day, it's hard to stand out among all those faces.

Well, those are my ideas. Tell me if there are any that I've missed, if you decide that returning to my blog really won't be hazardous to your health.

My Birthday

Well, today has been my birthday. I was told yesterday that I am now officially legal, which, since it was by someone I've never met in my life was a little too far beyond creepy for me. Around 80 or so of my closest and dearest friends decided they'd all pitch in and get me what I've always wanted though, 80 or so wall posts on my Facebook page. Jealous? Thought so.

I could spend this entire post being sarcastic about how that's not exactly the best way to show someone you care, but I told myself that I wouldn't spend my birthday that way. I was going to be happy regardless of whether my friends completely ignored me for a day or if they threw me the greatest party ever, which would probably be located at the swanky Chuck E. Cheese. A finer establishment has never been owned by a giant, incredibly terrifying mouse.

No, instead of going that route, I'm going to try something I only try once in a while. Actually, I think it's safe to say that I'm going to try something hardly anyone tries any more than "once in a while." Instead of giving jokes and humor, which, granted, are a big part of me, I'm going to give you something honest, and real, and probably a little bit embarrassing.

Well, here it is. I call it What I Really Want For My Birthday.

What I really want for my birthday doesn't come in a box or an envelope. It won't fit in my wallet or be hung up in my closet. I won't play it in the DVD player or add it to the new music playlist on my iPod. No prior experience will be necessary and no assembly will be required. It won't come in completely unopenable plastic packaging and a 30 day money back guarantee won't be necessary.

What I really want for my birthday is love. To be in love. It sounds ridiculous and it's probably selfish of me, but nothing sounds more wonderful and amazing to me than love. I don't want to make it sound like I'm just desperate and in need of companionship. What I really want is the real thing. The kind that makes it so your heart and brain are going so fast that there's no way your lips will ever be able to catch up and say what's actually going on. The kind that makes it not only okay to be yourself, it makes it absolutely necessary, because without you, it's no longer there. I want to be able to watch a romantic comedy and think that they don't know what they're missing instead of wondering about what I don't have. More than anything, this is what I want.

Well, that and an iPhone.

The Mentalist vs. Psych

Well this one's new. I was looking to watch the newest episode of Dexter because Showtime told me I could (be warned, it lied), and I saw a trailer for a new TV show called The Mentalist. I can't find the trailer I saw, but it went a lot like this.

Crowded street. People are everywhere. Quick flashes of people with close-ups on key pieces of evidence revealing something hidden about them.

MENTALIST

Some people think I'm psychic. Truth is, there's no so thing as psychics. I'm just paying attention.

Sounds like a cool premise, doesn't it? I thought so too, especially when I first saw it three years ago on Psych. In the spirit of The Mentalist, I've decided to pitch you a few of the show concepts I've come up with.

The first is a half-hour sitcom called Mates. We follow six friends living in downtown London as they experience life and love together. A goofy, out-of-work actor lives with a sarcastic, wait, what's his job again? So, no one told you life was going to be this way...

To get the forensic audience drawn in, I plan to promote a little show I like to call CSI: Indianapolis. The catch? Absolutely every episode will have something to do with the Colts. The city officials are caught spending way too much money on an unnecessary new stadium! Someone stole Peyton Manning's talent! A sarcastic blogger is killed for daring to defy the Almighty Colts!

The Factory will feature anyone from any Will Ferrell movie as the blundering supervisor who will never get fired or sued despite being blatantly racist or sexist towards his employees on a number of occasions.

Next on the list is a show I think I'll call Gray's Anatomy. It should be pretty obvious what I did to make this one my own.

I have big hopes for Saturday Afternoon Lights, a show about a high school soccer team set in Texas. Here's to hoping it isn't incredibly underappreciated by whatever network picks it up, gets stuck in a lousy timeslot, and eventually bumped to airing on DirecTV only. Why do we need lights for a Saturday afternoon? Well, um, it's quite overcast a lot?

Villians will follow exactly the same storyline as the mostly unheard of show Heroes. Easy, huh? Absolutely no new creativity required. That seems to be the goal most of the time.

Gotham will be the story of young Bruce Wayne long before Batman ever began. We'll see him with his absolute lack of superpowers doing things such as attracting women with his parents money and playing Xbox 360 on his big screen TV.

It didn't seem like my style to make something I hadn't given a fair chance to (I even have to stop and laugh at that one), so I decided to watch the pilot of the show, and I must say, I was slightly wrong. The Mentalist isn't like Psych. It's like a combination of Psych mixed with the storylines from the first two seasons of Dexter without the style or charm of the lead characters from either show.

I'd like to extend an invitation with this post. Come up with your own television show and leave your short pitch in the comment section. It probably will never compare to originality I've offered in the above shows, but you should at least try.

Destructive Relationships (and the Fun They Can Be)

I've noticed that I cover a lot of controversial topics in my blog: Microsoft, combining volleyball and dating into one massive encouragement-fest, craigslist (no, you don't deserve to be capitalized, craig), and even Dollar General. This one is far beyond those though. I could lose some of my readers, which, when you only have 5, is a big risk.

I'm going to do it though. I'm going to discuss the inherent value of a destructive relationship. It's different than what you think. They aren't valuable because they teach you who not to be with, or the pain associated with them strengthens you, or even because they make you appreciate it when you really find "the one" (or the next one, or the one after that one).

No, no, no. You're mistaken. Their value lies in completely different places. In my normal list-like style, I'll show you a few of the areas I've discovered.

1. Isolationism
No man is an island, but you can sure try. If you're looking to get rid of your pesky friends quicker than the U.S. could ever dream of, a destructive relationship is a good place to start. Your friends will have all of these "caring" things to say to you, such as "he's no good for you" or "no one deserves to be abused" or "she's cheating on you," giving you a perfect opportunity to ignore them and invalidate any friendships you held. With all the people who care about you out of the way, it'll be much easier to focus on the one who doesn't.

2. Stubbornness
Nothing shows a stronger will than a person who's willing to hold on so tightly to a person who barely notices their existence. All the better if the person is abusive. If the person is constantly dehumanizing you and you keep coming back, all of your friends and loved ones will marvel at your stronger than Hulk-like resolve (if you got the embedded comic book joke, good for you).

3. Self esteem
To quote The Offspring song of the same name, "The more you suffer, the more it shows you really care, right? Yeah!" You can gain pride in the fact that you consistently return to the person who shows you just how worthless you really are. Nothing builds self esteem more than clinging to a person despite their less than amorous feelings towards you.

4. Baggage
There's something about having to move on after 2 years of a relationship that didn't nourish you at all. You have a lot of leftovers that stick with you longer than the ones from Thanksgiving. This can be useful when you're to the point of finding a whole new relationship, because it's almost guaranteed that you won't look for anything better than what you're used to, because, hey, why do you deserve it?

I personally try to enter a new destructive relationship every 2 months or so, but I'm an underachiever. Show me up, try for 5 or 6 in a month. You already know the benefits.

The Backburner

I don't know about you, but there are some phrases I just don't hear referring to what they were intended to mean. "Put it on the backburner" is one of them. I can't cook much past a bowl of Frosted Flakes, so I guess that might be part of the reason, but I digress.

The real point is that if there's something important, the backburner is no place for it. It could be a relationship (friendship or otherwise), it could something you have to do, or it could be something you really love to do but seem to get distracted from.

Putting your relationships there ends them pretty quickly. If your actions really do speak louder than your words, then you're practically yelling that you have other things that are more demanding than you. Don't get me wrong, you shouldn't spend every minute of every day nurturing every friendship you've ever had -- sometimes it's even okay to leave a friendship behind -- but just remember what you're saying by not saying anything.

If your job gets pushed back, don't expect a raise or promotion anytime soon. Expect to be moved to the mail center. Unless of course you already work in the mail center, then you'll probably end up hand-cleaning the stains out of the carpet. Unless of course you already hand-cleanthe stains out of the carpet...

If your passions lose their priority, they seem to stop bothering you. Your passions want to be a part of your life, but if you don't want anything to do with them, they'll understand and not waste your time.

I hope you're okay with my less than sarcastic rant. I promise I'll be back in top sarcastic form soon.

Hi, I'm a PC

That's actually a lie. I dutifully type all of my blog posts on my little (read: giant) MacBook Pro that is definitely built for speed and not for comfort. Comfort in this case referring to portability; it doesn't have much since it's bigger and heavier than my Spanish textbook (and that one's a hardcover).

I tend to get off topic a lot. Let's refocus.

Now, the real point is to discuss the recent "Hi, I'm a PC" commercials Microsoft has put out to counter the Get a Mac ad campaign from Apple. In relatively good time too. That makes Microsoft about 47 (yeah, I counted) ads and 2 years behind Apple. 2 years. That's the absolute latest "yeah, well, so's your face" type comeback I think I've ever heard of.

It's funny how some things are just reflections of other things in a bunch of different ways. First, I hold the opinion that Microsoft is about 2 years behind Apple in development in a lot of different ways, but we'll just narrowly skim that subject so I don't get killed in some back alley by an avid PC fan wielding an Ethernet card that Vista couldn't seem to recognize.

No, what really gets me is that this kind of thing has already been covered in popular culture. In a widely popular sitcom, to be exact. Any guesses? Anyone? (insert mandatory Ferris Bueller reference here)

The show was Seinfeld. The episode was The Comeback. Ringing any bells? George Costanza is told that "the ocean called; they're running out of shrimp" while consuming massive amounts of the tiny crustacean and he's left more than a little speechless (but altogether satisfied, because, well, he was eating shrimp). He finally thinks of a comeback, presumably hours later: "Oh yeah, Reilly? Well the jerk store called and they're running out of you."

I'll leave the rest of the episode for your viewing pleasure, but the point is, what's the point of having a retort if it took you more than about a second and a half to come up with? To make matters more interesting, Jerry Seinfeld was in a short series of commercials intended to combat the Mac ads which was promptly cancelled and changed to the new "I'm a PC" commercials, making Seinfeld's commercials the equivalence of the "Oh yeah, Reilly?" followed by another awkward pause before Costanza delivers his jerk store line. Whew.

Now, if only we could get Microsoft to start trying George's idea that "if every instinct I have is wrong, then the opposite must be right." Maybe then 1/3 of PC users wouldn't want to downgrade to the outdated operating system Microsoft offers rather than their newest and flashiest.

I'm Embarrassed to be a Christian

If you're anything like me, you've probably already judged the entire post based on just the title. I felt a little bit bad writing it, to be honest, but the situation just isn't getting any better and it needs to stop.

Christian, to me, should be synonymous with a whole list of words (or phrases), including, but not limited to these: fun, painfully honest, alive, artist, creator, creation, thoughtful, thought-provoking, respectful, respected, loving, real, open, sacrificial, passionate, available, unsafe, peaceful, self-giving, self-assure, sexual and spiritual beings, innovative, content, discontent, settled, unsettling, disrupted, disrupting.

Now, let's compare that to what the word Christian seems to have become identified with: safe, passive, unmotivated, unmoving, intolerant, uneducated, afraid, exclusive, unloving, unemotional, sexually restrained, condemning, closed off, trend followers, impassionate.

Since it does no good to point out problems and not offer solutions, I figured I'd offer three suggestions that could change things up ever so slightly. Despite not being a pastor, or even a pastor in training, I'll offer them in sermon outline style, alliteration and all.

1. Capo
For a group of people who believe they are made by the most innovative of Creators, we seem to have taken the day off in the creativity department. When a people group that should be able to pride (read: be proud of, not be prideful of) itself in innovation has put out the same song more times than Nickelback, something needs to change. If you can't find yourself able to play anything out of the key of G, pick up a capo and knock it up 5 steps or so. It will at least make it look like you're better than you actually are.

2. Cast
I understand the appeal, I really do, but there are actors besides Kirk Cameron looking to act. Kirk Cameron is good, I personally enjoy Growing Pains, but you're going to start stigmatizing yourself if he's the biggest name you have, and you have him for every single movie you do. Find an up and coming actor (for some reason, they're quite willing to do projects quite cheaply) or just rethink your concept for wider appeal. Tell Clooney he owes you one for making you sit through that whole Batman & Robin fiasco.

3. Challenge
Go ahead, show someone something they haven't seen before. They may surprise you and actually appreciate it. Be honest with someone even when you think it benefits you or them to lie. Go out of your way to show someone that there's something different about you and you're not ashamed of that. "As we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same."

It's just a few suggestions, really, it's not that hard. I want to be proud of this label I have chosen. I'm tired of thinking that Christian doesn't belong as an adjective connected to what I want to be, a filmmaker.

Someone Smiled At Me Today

I know what you're thinking - "But Michael, with your ruggedly handsome looks and your suave, debonair charm, I'd bet people would be smiling at you all the time." My only response is, well, you apparently aren't a gambler if you're willing to throw away cash on something so foolhardy as this. Truth is, I must be about the human equivalent of a Warhead candy to people who don't know me. They do this weird suck-in-their-face, braced-for-the-worst look that I can only describe using a bunch of hyphenated words that probably don't even need hyphenation.

I'm left with a few lingering questions though:

1. If I were in fact a Warhead, what flavor would I be? I wouldn't want to be a flavor where my color describes me, because who would eat a "white raspberry" candy? Do Warheads even know what they flavor they end up? Do some of them think "dang it, I'm lemon-lime. I'll be on the shelf for a while"?

2. How do you respond if you don't know the person? Do you just smile and say "hey" back? If you did it exactly the same way, would the person think you were mocking them or would they be tempted to ask you to do the human mirror trick with them?

3. Would it have been inappropriate for me to strike up a conversation? She throws me a hello and I think we're going to be fast friends. What if her smile and hello was a friendly "I hope he doesn't talk to me" gesture? Is there a friendly gesture like that? If there is, why haven't I learned it and been using it by now?

4. Would her smile have had a different effect, if say, it was storming outside? I think I would've thought "who in the world is this friendly when there's a very good chance a tree could be blown over on you at any moment?"

5. What if a person walking behind me saw her treat me in such a friendly manner and then she proceeded to not do the same for him? Are all of the kindness points she earned from smiling at me immediately revoked?

So there you go. Smile at someone today, it just may make them spend far too long analyzing it when they should be studying for a Spanish test.

A Guy's Guide for Girls on Getting a Great Guy

The art of picking a man is more of a finely honed craft than it is a random encounter. Regardless of how it may appear, there is no coincidental bumping into each other, no innocent glances across a crowded room, no random crossing of paths. It is all, in fact, planned by those who know exactly what they're doing and exactly who they're looking for.

If you meet a man who has been single for a considerable amount of time (read: more than 2 weeks), there are only two options. He is either A. reserved for later use by one of your own kind (once she is done with her other random flings) or B. proven to be unworthy of attention altogether. There is no other option. Avoid these types at all costs; they are of no use to you.

Rather, focus your sights on those already receiving an overabundance of female fixation. They may have attained more than it would seem they deserve, but pay no mind to this. They crave more, so give them more.

If you're still concerned, it's understandable. The men you are looking for haven't been presented too clearly yet. Here, let me introduce you to a few.

1. Chip Washington
Chip is on the football team. That's really the only option for you if your name is Chip, so that's what he does. Well, that or coming up with the new flavor of Doritos (I'll give you a hint, it should have the word "cheese" in it somewhere). He's probably the punter and may not even be first string, but he's still on the football team. Bask in his excellence as much as possible, this guy could be as close as you ever get to Peyton Manning, and with a smaller forehead too. Football players are notoriously faithful and thoughtful to the feelings of females, especially when playing at the college level, so be sure to flirt it up with Chip on a regular basis.

2. Luke Wilder
You may know him by one of his many aliases. One undoubtedly describes just how masculine he really is (and, incidentally, was made up by him as well) and one probably makes use of the obvious pun with his name and another word for vomit. Whatever the case, Luke consumes more alcohol than the majority of France on a nightly basis. The negative people you know probably consider this an unappealing quality, but think about how much more fun it makes him. Spending your time with Luke will open the door for countless times to start a story with "Man, we were so wasted last night..."

3. Kyle Smith
Ignoring the fact that his name is as generic as his personality, you want to meet Mile High Kyle. He's just slightly more promiscuous than Nelly Furtado, Justin Timberlake and Timbaland combined, but that shouldn't be any of your concern. Just because he was that way with all the other girls doesn't mean he'll be that way with you, right? And even if he is, maybe it's just something you need to do if you want to be with that crowd.

These are just guidelines, a frame of reference for you to know which direction is north on the charm compass you use to navigate the uneven seas of love. If you can find a singular man who combines all of the above features, all the better. Just know that you will never be satisfied until you attain someone exactly like one of the guys described. There are far too many guys out there who will care for you for who you are and not what you look like after a couple of beers or when you're less than fully dressed. Avoid these types, as they may show you there is something truly valuable about you.

Loving Someone (and How Many Points it's Worth)

I don't get it. I'm not a stupid person. I can generally grasp concepts without too much effort. Generally, the only time I struggle with learning something is when I make a conscious decision to not apply myself. But I will never understand how we've all missed something so obvious.

We've been missing a scoring system for love. We're always trying to appear appealing to others, but have had no set number of love points that we get from each action. It's with this in mind that I present The Helpful Handbook for Infatuated Individuals (A Method of Scoring for when You're Amoring):

1. Call her just to say hello: 1 point
2. Call her daily just to say hello: 1 point each day until day 4 when you start losing 3 points each day
3. Call her just to say hello after getting her number from anyone other than her: -10 points
4. Send her a cute letter: 6 points
5. Send her a cute email: 2 points
6. Send her a cute instant message: 1/2 point (or no points if sent with any emoticon)
7. Send her a cute message with letters cut out of magazines: -42 points
8. Know her favorite color: 1 point
9. Know her favorite independent movie: 3 points
10. Know her birthday: 7 points
11. Know her social security number: -19 points
12. Memorize her class schedule: 1 point
13. Meet her outside of one of her classes now and then: 3 points
14. Meet her outside of every class, every day: -1 point after your fifth straight appearance, -2 points at the sixth, etc. continued indefinitely
15. Listen to her opinions: 4 points
16. Agree with her opinions: 11 points for the first, 5 points for the second, 1 point for the third, then the negative numbers start...
17. Know her opinions before she even tells them to you because of facebook, myspace, or a mutual friend: -7 points
18. Flirt with her: 1 point
19. Flirt with her in front of their friends: 4 points
20. Flirt with her friend because you got them confused: -19 points

Well, that's it for now. I figured I'd put up the abridged version. If I get a good response, I'll add some more. You can even leave your own thoughts and I can add them to the list.

There's Always Someone Cooler Than You

Horn-rimmed glasses. Suit jackets with popped-collar polos. Coffees imported from all around the world (and served at Starbucks). Hair spiked to look like you never actually styled it. Watches that give you the phase of the moon, your current latitude, and the barometric pressure (now if only I could figure out how to get it to show the time). Pumas or Chucks with new, white laces. Designer jeans that are about one size too small.

Read over that list again. Go ahead, I've got time. You know you have one friend who fits this description just a little too well. I purposefully left out one key item this person will never be seen without however. Any guesses?

If you guessed a Razor scooter, then you can stop reading this post and turn your Hootie and the Blowfish CD back on. If you guessed a good friend, you probably haven't noticed how trendy independence is becoming (and you always apparently haven't talked to one of these people). If you guessed a girl, then you'd sadly be right, but it's not what I was looking for.

What I was really looking for was an Apple product. Anything Macintosh. They've seen the commercials, they've bought the products, and they've scared Microsoft into a $300 million counter-advertisement campaign featuring Jerry Seinfeld. Now if only their credit card statement didn't say overdrawn because they had to have "it," whatever the latest "it" is. It's with this in mind that I created A Critical Spirit's "You Are What Apple Product You Own" Chart. You can call it ACSYAWAPYOC if you think it'll be easier.

1. iPod
The standard Apple product, you haven't really been cool since 1999. And even then you didn't look that impressive with your giant metal cube that somehow played music, just a bit awkward. You've slimmed down since the '90s and got a few new features, but haven't grown enough to create more than an initial impression of delight. You used to be the best at what you did, then someone came along and did it just a little better. He's described next.

2. iPod Touch
Shiny. New. Internet ready. You come out in a big way and your first impression lingers for more than just the day. You can do everything the one you upstaged does, but you do it with so much more class. You couldn't leave it at that though. You couldn't just show him up in front of all his friends at the stuff he was already good at. You had to take it to a whole new level and do things he could never dream of doing. The trouble is, people still sometimes forget your name (they seem to think you're just an iTouch). Oh, and you're a stripped down inferior version of the next guy.

3. iPhone
You are an island. An untouchable, state-of-the-art, mind-blowing island. You are completely self-sufficient and incredibly user friendly. Like the guy above, you have qualities no one would have ever seen being combined into one beautifully wrapped package, but you have even more than him. Where he lacks, you shine. Where he shines, you shine all the brighter. You embarrass others unabashedly, but still have a few glaring flaws that you're ashamed those around you know.

4. MacBook/MacBook Pro
The epitome of your kind. The best of what's around. The fastest, the sleekest, the coolest. And you absolutely know it. You don't freeze up when you're needed most and all of your parts seem to be functioning properly. You have the ability to be anything to anyone. Unfortunately, you're just not for everyone. Some will even seek drastic measures just to avoid you and your type. You come with too much of a stigma, one that many aren't willing to let tag along with them.

I write all this to make my almost meaningless point in the most complex, drawn out way. I don't care who you are, I don't care where you're from, I don't care what you did (as long as you love me), what Ben Folds has said is true. There's always someone cooler than you. Don't buy into your own hype, you're not as great as you think you are. And if you find yourself with friends who are constantly needing to upgrade to cooler, different products, don't let it bother you too much. They'll probably never find something with all the features they're dying for.

One for the Ladies

I had a complaint a few posts ago that the post relating guys' actions to tennis serves was irrelevant to females. Irrelevant. You might as well tell Fergie that she is not, in fact, T-to-the-A-to-the-S-T-E-Y tasty. Tell Outkast that they aren't so fresh, so clean (so fresh and so clean-clean). Tell Timbaland that you would love him to be any other way except for the way he are.

I could digress with rap references all day if I really wanted to, but the point is, I completely missed 50% of my audience. I thought the last post would in some way make up for it, but with all the response it generated (none at all), it was tough to tell any kind of solid opinion on it whatsoever, so I thought I'd throw another one towards the ladies and hope the guys are willing to tag along again.

It's going to start with this quote:
"I understand what makes a woman think that any man is better than nothing. I'll just never understand what makes any woman think she's got nothing." - Aaron Sorkin, Sports Night

And it's going to quite ungracefully transition to this list:
How to Make Any Woman Think She's Got Nothing.

1. Tell Her
It's simple, it's upfront, and it's quick and painless. Well, it is for you, and that's what we're going for here. Casually mention that she's gained a little weight and joke that the girl from your Physics class is starting to look pretty good. Tell a joke to a group friends and be quick to jump on her when she doesn't get it as fast as they do. Point out that she breaks down into tears too easily when she's upset by something so silly as you talking to an ex-girlfriend. If you're looking to get it over with quickly, this is the option for you. If you're asking yourself "hey, is there a more drawn out and much more scarring approach I can take?," move to item 2.

2. Show Her
"What you do speaks so loudly that I cannot hear what you say." - Ghandi
This one takes some patience and dedication, but it will all pay off when she has to sit through years of counseling just to work up the courage to say yes to the guy from her work who is asking her on a date. It may get frustrating at times, and you may find yourself wanting to give up the whole process, but don't stop halfway. She'll have no use for guys like yourself if she isn't completely broken at least once in her life.
Forget to call her. Just don't call her. Break plans with her to hang out with your friends. Break plans with her to hang out with her friends. Break plans with her just to break plans with her. Don't pay for her on dates. Don't take her on dates. Don't open doors for her. Close doors on her. Hold her hand only when no one's looking. Don't hold her hand at all. Kiss her like you want something more. Only kiss her because you want something more. Always want something more.
As you can see, the list can go on indefinitely. Just make sure the things you do to her say "I don't value you" even if the only thing your lips ever say is "I love you."

And the conclusion will follow immediately after this colon:
The statitistics I just made up say that less than 60% of females currently have self-image problems. Men, I hold you personally responsible. I think if there were more of us currently trying just a little bit harder, that number could shoot up to 70, 80, or with any luck, maybe even 90%. If you're not going to do it, who is?

The Value of a Woman's Heart

The heart is the most valuable gift that can be given, for the heart is never given by itself. With it comes a mind that can completely enrapture your own should you give it a chance, a happiness that yours is entirely dependent on, and a spirit that can replenish you when the world gets too heavy to carry on your own. In a person's heart is where they are found in their truest form and, given a glimpse of this divine beauty, it is impossible for your perceptions of them to remain unaltered.

For this very reason, love remains the ultimate paradox. It is beautifully simple and frustratingly complex. It is the ultimate of highs and the most devastating of lows. It can be easily found and easily lost. You must be careful and carefree simultaneously. It will cause you to dance one minute then take your legs from under you the next. It is hard to live with and hard to live without.

The heart of a girl must be handled with as much care as you would grant to your very own. It is only in tending to her heart that you can even begin to discover what makes yours beat in your chest. We are alive for the sole purpose of loving and the mistreatment of a woman's heart must be given much more criticism than it currently is.

If we are not more careful, many more hearts will be irrevocably damaged. The words we say, the advances we make, the time we spend and hundreds of other things do not go unnoticed. They are received, noted and cataloged in careful succession in order that our motives may be determined. The damage done if our intentions are later found to not to match our actions destroy the essence of a person.

A heart is too fragile to be dragged along with the games we play. A relationship based on the desire to be fulfilled neglects the real need of our own hearts - to fulfill. There is nothing to be gained in the taking of love, only in the giving. Rather than focusing on how she makes us feel, we must concentrate on making her realize that her value is a hundredfold more than she can ever imagine.

Only in these actions will we be using our ability to love properly. A love that focuses on ourselves is not a love at all, but rather a flurry of emotions that disgraces the name of love. If you like her, tell her. If you tell her, show her. If, and only if, you can show her will the words you say and the feelings you feel have any meaning to them.

How can I know this? What possibly qualifies me to speak on the hearts of females, hearts I have probably mistreated more times than I will ever recognize, let alone admit? It is only because I know that the same applies to all hearts, men's hearts, even the heart that seems untouchable.

An Epidemic (Part 2: The Notches in our Belts)

On Sunday, I came out with guns blazing, my sarcasm clips fully-loaded, my eye on the target and my bullets firing as true as Dirty Harry's .44 Magnum. That's a lot of pressure to follow, manly analogy notwithstanding.

So, like anyone looking to make it in Hollywood, I know how useful it can be to capitalize on the success of something and make a sequel, even if the first is completely able to stand by itself.

This post isn't for those looking to impress though. This time, it's for the guys who have to deal with the bro-offs that come with knowing the guys who actually appreciate the advice I offered earlier. Instead of giving it to you without flair, however, I think I'll add subtle tennis undertones to take us from a walkover to Wimbledon.

Shot: Lob
This first one is a surprisingly gentle shot arching high over the head of a player too close to the net. Although not the most masculine of approaches, this one will take you off guard if you're not careful. He lures you in close to the net for a conversation with seemingly innocent intentions, then suddenly lobs one over your head back near the baseline.

Here's an example of what I mean:
Friend: (Yawns) I stayed up until after 3:00 a.m. last night. I'm really tired. I've got to stop doing that.
You: That's how college is. There's always a lot of work and never enough time.
Friend: Oh, no, actually I was on the phone with a girl until 3:00. We talked for about four hours.

See how that came out of nowhere? Well, it didn't. You weren't paying attention. You know how he is with the girls. How can you not expect him to want to show that off to you?

Countershot: Smash
He's luring you to the net. Don't fall for it this time. Throw it back at him hard and fast before he has the chance to maneuver. After his first comment, instead of leaving it open for him to take the conversation where he wants, take it somewhere else. Try "well that seems like a pretty poor decision considering you have to work today" or "I hope you don't fall asleep in your mashed potatoes again." Either of these will throw him off balance allowing for your stroke to fall cleanly into play.
__________________________
Shot: Backhand
In days of yore, a strike with the back of the hand was a sign of great disrespect and symbolized that the striker had dominion over the person being struck. This method maintains the tradition of the backhand strike in that it's frequently used and immensely insulting.

An example:
Friend: I know you don't have girls over very often, but could you clean up your part of the apartment? Tina's coming over tonight and I don't want her to think you're always this messy.

Whoa. Not only did this one attack your inability to bring females to your home court, but he also attacked your court upkeep. Thin ice he's treading on, thin ice.

Countershot: Topspin
Fielding topspin shots are tough even for skilled players. That's why, after he gives you such a backhanded comment, yours need to fall into play and have a spin he isn't seeing until it's too late. Something like "man, you and Tina are SO perfect for each other" will have him thinking that it's a compliment until he rethinks how he was just talking to you. Then, the spin kicks in and he's stumbling for a return.
___________________________
Shot: Serve
This one throws everything at you all at once. It generally comes at you pretty quickly, and, even if you were expecting it, you may be caught off guard at the speed or direction it goes.

This is an example:
You: How was your date last night?
Friend: Really good actually. I took her out to dinner and she was really flirty the whole time, then right as the opening credits rolled in the movie, she started kissing me. I think I came up for air once the entire movie.

See, you knew a description of the date was coming, but you had no idea it'd take that particular bounce of the playing field and before you blink, it's already past you.

Countershot: Block
Get your racquet up and quick. There's no time for a well-placed shot, your only goal is to send it back over to him. I'd recommend something slightly off-hand like "well, that's awesome. I wonder if you tasted like garlic after all that Italian food" or "from what I've heard, you missed out on a good movie." It may be just enough to keep you in play for a few more volleys.

Well, that's it I think. Did I miss anything? Was the tennis analogy awful? Should I have not made a sequel? These things are up to you and your comments.

An Epidemic (or The Art of Impressing Women)

Cancer, AIDS, Nickelback, Judd Apatow movies: these are just a few of the many things plaguing humanity during my lifetime. I've read articles lately about how the first two are being researched and that a cure could be closer than we think, but it would seem the cure for the later two in this list are simply being ignored in our never-ending quest for the common good.

Even though all of these wreak havoc on millions of lives, there's another epidemic that I think affects even more people with even more devastating results. This isn't a physical plague that attacks the immune system or the heart, nor is it a economic catastrophe that leaves millions homeless or without food for weeks at a time. No, it's something much more common, more malicious, and more deadly than any of these. It's the ever increasing desire of men everywhere to impress the females near them.

This isn't an easy task in today's world of rappers with more diamonds than Sierra Leone and movie stars with more makeup than a female televangelist. That's why I, Michael, lover of the ladies, wooer of the women, Don Juan of the dames, have put together a few tips to help men finally attract whatever lady is striking their fancy (generally the closest one, the most attractive one, or the one his friend is also interested in). It's not a comprehensive list because, let's face it, a magician can't reveal all of his secrets, but it's hopefully something that will get you on your way into the wonderful world that is the art of impressing women.

1. Material Items
I've found that nothing gets a girl more interested in your thoughts and opinions than you having a new pair of designer jeans. If she won't like you when you're driving your Ford Tempo, consider upgrading to something a little more female friendly, like a new Mustang or even a BMW. What, you can't afford a Mustang or a Beamer? Women like men who buy things on loans. While you're at it, pick up anything that Apple produces. You don't need it for the functionality or the benefits that come with high-end products, but for the stigma that is associated with Mac users.

2. Accomplishments
Never, ever be afraid to point out something wonderful that you have done. Few things enrapture a girl's heart and mind so well as the story of the time you just narrowly escaped getting thrown out of Walmart for shopping cart jousting in the canned goods aisle. Please note that there is a wrong way to tell even the most heroic of stories. If you and a friend rescued puppies from a burning veterinary clinic, conveniently fail to mention that it was you who started the fire.

3. Similarities
Eagerly seek out even the most minute details you have in common with the girl of your dreams (well, at least the ones from last night). Point each and every one of these out in a way that conveys you're just as surprised you realized it as she is. "We both have a double-L in our last names! What are the chances of that?" You can do no better than to show her that fate must have destined you to be together based on things like having read the same book for a fourth-grade book report or enjoying The Office, because Nielsen reports have frequently shown that there are very few viewers for that particular show.

4. Physical prowess
Wow, how did this fall in so late at number 4? Girls love jocks. You've seen Saved by the Bell. A.C. Slater always had mad hunnies around the block. If you want to get the girl who helps at the YMCA to notice you, try spiking a volleyball or two into the face of the 8 year old with glasses on the other team. Her concern for him will be nothing compared to her animalistic attraction for what you've obviously been holding back for so long. Bonus points are generally awarded if you sustain some type of injury, but somehow manage to play through it.

5. Difficulties
While the above items will certainly attract the fairer sex initially, you need more meat to your Impression Stew if you want to outwit, outplay, and outlast the others obviously competing for her affections (she is so conveniently located, after all). This is when it'll benefit you to point out that as a child your dog ran away from home and you couldn't find him for 3 days. And then, when you finally found him, it turns out that Mr. Barkles was actually a Mrs. Barkles and you then had 4 more puppies to raise on a newspaper deliveryboy's salary, completely ruling out any stock options or investment portfolios you may have been considering as a mature 8th grader.

6. Spirituality
This is the Hydrogen bomb in your girl-attracting armory. Save this for extreme cases only (extreme cases include showing off your attraction skills to guy friends, luring an overly attractive female to your end of the lunch table, and a way of moving from "Hi, nice to meet you" to meeting the parents in less than 5 minutes with the girl who wears glasses from your English class). Feel free to share your testimony (including the nail-biter of a section that is "will he accept it? won't he accept? will he? oh good, he did), the story of finally learning your higher calling, or even how often a day you like to read from Leviticus or Numbers. Your candor and openness on the first date are attractive qualities desired by those of the fairer gender and don't at all convey that you have a strong desire for intimacy with anyone willing to share it with you.

Phew. Did you make it all that way through that? Or did you run out after reading the first few to start putting them into practice? Let's hope you trudged through it, because there were some invaluable gems buried in there. Let me know how these work out for you, okay? That's the reason there's the option to leave comments on these posts.

A Whole New Way of Dating

Good news, readers. You, my faithful audience, are the first to hear about my book deal. I have no ideas other than what will be shared in this post and the publisher is actually just the Kinko's across the street from Walmart, but besides that, amazing things are happening with this. I've Photoshopped a cover that I'm putting up along with the post. You can decide if you think it'll sell.

Here's the idea. I'm going to propose a new way of dating. A re-imagination, if you will. It will be combine all of the best parts of dating with all the best parts of something so similar to dating, I'm surprised we missed it until now - volleyball.

Here are just a few of the many topics to be covered in this sure to be best-seller, but hold on, this ride could be a little bumpy.

1. Warm-ups
The one thing I've always felt was missing from the dating scene was warm-ups. I would feel a whole lot more comfortable with my opening line ("Um, wow, you look like, really good tonight. Not that you don't look good every night, because you do. I mean, I guess I don't see you every night, but if I did, I'm sure you'd look good all the time"). Maybe if I ran a few drills and did a few verbal calisthenics before I went out, I wouldn't have been aced on the very first serve.

2. Encouragement
Volleyball has something that, to my knowledge, no other sport possesses. After each and every play, regardless of which team got the point or who took that last spike to the face, there's a coming together of the players on the court and they do a little cheer and possibly slap each other on the butt. Although I'm not sure how I'd feel if someone "good gamed" me during a date, I do like the idea of knowing that 5 other people will huddle around me and tell me to "forget about that last play and focus on the next one" if I accidentally add an extra R to the word best.

3. Substitutions
Let's face it, there are times where you just need to throw in the towel. Maybe you tried to impress her by ordering her the steak and then noticed the PETA pin on her purse (the alliteration from the last post is coming back to haunt me). Or maybe you took her ice skating without realizing that some type of balance is required to glide in circles for hours at a time. Either way, with this new and completely improved dating method, you simply take a knee and someone can step in for you. Maybe someone with a better net game.

It's thoughts like these that prevent me from being able to focus on only one thing at once. It's my lack of ability to focus on one thing at once that screws me up on dates. And it's for this very reason I'm so qualified to be writing a book on a whole new way of dating.

Painfully Obvious, a Dunk Tank Story

During my recent trip the Van Buren Popcorn Festival, I no-... What? You want to know why I'd go to the Van Buren Popcorn Festival? Me too.

Actually, there were two reasons -
1. the band my brother is in had a show there and
2. I figured, being a popcorn festival, I'd get free popcorn.
I was sorely mistaken on the second part of that. The only free popcorn I was offered was kettle corn someone had to buy, and I obviously refused. Why "obviously," you ask? Because I don't eat kettle corn, and for the very same reason I don't use the word literally then proceed to say something very un-literal. It's dumb. The people who participate in such activities should be pushed to the outskirts of society with those guys who still wear Jinco Jeans and anyone who owns a Milli Vanilli CD.

All that aside, I had a good time. I wandered around the carnival style games for a while, trying to figure out if I could negotiate a cheaper price on the Batman belt buckle that I wanted for the sheer alliteration alone (see how catchy it is?). While I was meandering, I walked past the dunk tank. A girl of about 10 years stepped up to the throwing line, and she missed. Three times. Her friend of about the same age, in a misguided attempt to encourage her, offered this piece of advice, "Stop Missing!"

Wow... We sure got straight to the root of that problem, didn't we?

Here's what dawned on me. The advice we offer each other sometimes is just as useless and immeasurably less adorable than what this girl had to say. Here's a few of the more common ones.
"Try not to think about it."
"You shouldn't be sad. Be happy."
"Just get over it and move on with your life."
I don't think anyone's dared to say this to the ones who offer the above advice, so I'm going to lay it out right now. We know. When we're sad, we understand that the thing to do is to "turn that frown upside down" and be happy. What you can't seem to remember is that it's not always that easy, and it probably shouldn't be. If being happy and hitting the target at the dunk tank were easier, there would be no payoff in the accomplishment. Eventually the novelty of repeatedly dunking the fireman looking to raise money for a new dalmation would wear off. The happiness that you found so easily would give way to discontentment when you realized that there's something you're still missing. Something better. Something that can't happen every time because it would lose part of its essence. Something that you discover is found almost as much in the journey as it is in the destination.

The Life of a Product

Contrary to what you may be thinking, the life of a product like sunglasses or a wind-up car doesn't begin when it's imagined. It doesn't begin when it's manufactured. It doesn't begin when it's packaged. No, the birthday of a general merchandise item is actually the day that it leaves the delivery truck and enters the store.

Some of you may disagree with me and think that the day a product enters manufacturing should be it's birthday. Allow me to point out that this would be the same as you celebrating the day you were conceived. Anyone who knowingly celebrates those actions by their parents shouldn't even have the right (let alone the know-how) to argue with me in the first place.

All of that to point out that today I have discovered something terrible. Something awful. Something more painful than another verse of Every Move I Make. I found the ultimate way to cause low self-esteem in any item:

The clearance bin at Dollar General. I'll say that again, with a bit more emphasis. The clearance bin at Dollar General. Is that not tragic?

If ever there were ever a cause for self-esteem related disorders in merchandise, this bin would be it. With the imminent threat of this, it's really no wonder we have products like "Thin Mints" and "Cutting Boards."

My Relient K

No, no, calm down. I did not go out and buy myself a K-car (a nice Reliant automobile). Why would I risk what I've got going on with the Volvo I'm currently driving? Hunnies flock like I was a player from the NBA with the 850 GLT, so there's no way I'd give that up.

No, what I'm really talking about is the State of the Blog address that I need to make. I titled this post in such a way to reflect my appreciation to the band Relient K for bringing the topic to my mind and also to honor the television show Scrubs. Now, onto business.

I realize this blog started as serious as the Alan Parson's Project (does that make 3 references in this post that a lot of people won't catch/get? I think it does). Then a few days ago, the posts took a dramatic turn to entirely light-hearted with very little substance. In all fairness, that's how I wanted my blog to be from the start, but there were just a few spiritual discoveries and thoughts I felt I needed to blog about.

Then I started feeling inspiration for funny and random, and I liked it. I've already discussed my passion for humor, so we won't go there again, but when the ideas came I essentially pulled the E-brake and pulled a 180. After two posts, I've had the feeling that the blog became a little disjointed and much less spiritual, and I didn't like the sound of that.

That's where Relient K comes into this. Their self-titled CD was catchy and fun, but every single song had God in it in an obvious and sometimes forced way. An example is in the song "Charles in Charge" - "Let's go hang out, you, me and Jesus at your mom's pizza parlor." An okay sentiment to be making all in all, inviting Jesus for a slice of pepperoni, but it just has nothing to do with the rest of the song. They thought that something explicitly about God needed to be in a song to make it Christian. In their later CDs, they realized that God doesn't need to be explicit to be present. God can be in the harmonies and the harmonics, the high-hats and the low notes.

All that to say, some posts may be so blatantly about God that it blinds you temporarily and in other posts, He may just be hiding somewhere behind my semi-serious analysis of whatever I found amusing at the time. Regardless of which you're reading though, He's there.

QT

QT? What's this, Michael's going to be writing about an cute girl and he's using Internet lingo to boot? Or is it that he's going to be addressing the latest QuickTime update in a manner that is relevant to both the professional crowd and the consumer crowd alike? Or could it be that he's developed a mild man-crush on Quentin Tarantino, a man whose films have touched more hearts than the Chicken Soup for the Soul series?

If any one of these thoughts popped into your head when reading the title of my post, you are about to be sorely disappointed (and you have a good brain for coming up with multiple options for one set of initials). The QT that the I am actually referring to is none other than...

Q-tips. Yes, you heard me right (and interestingly enough, if you didn't, the topic of this post still could be very relevant to you because you just may need one).

So what about Q-tips do I possibly want to discuss? Is it that they're not actually the best choice for cleaning your ears because they can push waxy build-up deeper into your ear canal? Is it that Q-tips that cannot handle the environment that is my ear canals without crumbling into ruins shouldn't be in existence? Wrong on both accounts. Guessing just isn't your game today.

What I really want to discuss is that the committment I'm required to bring to this one oral hygeine product is a longer committment than any relationship I've had so far. In case you haven't cleaned your ears lately, first, you may want to follow the wisdom of Proverbs 4:27a (NASB), and second, and much more on topic, they come in a package of at least 400. That means even if I buy the smallest package available and I'm willing to use 2 a day (how gross can my ears possibly get?), I'm still committing to at least a 6 month relationship with these things.

This raises a few questions in my mind. Why is it that with a relationship, cheating ends it quickly, but with a relationTip (notice the pun), cheating with another only earns you more time stuck in the same rut you've been in? Would it be a good marketing strategy to sell Q-tips in smaller packages for those afraid of committment? Is there a way that I can "try the milk for free" before I have to "buy the cow?"

The most important question of all is, however, why does my head make constant comparisons between Q-tips and girlfriends?

Dear Craig,

You may not know me, and that's probably all for the better given the lot of people who advertise on your site, but I have a few complaints I'd like to bring to the table. I've been scanning your so-called list lately and there are a few things I just can't take any more of.

1. Design
You may argue that the design is intentionally simplistic, and I support you in that. I took the same approach to my blog. I did not, however, go as far as you did in making my site completely bland to the eyes. I don't even know how to describe the colors you've combined here. There's a whole palette of colors and it looks like you went with a nice combination of brown. On top of brown. With small white boxes. Holding blue links. I'm not sure where you went to design school, Craig, but I'm guessing it was somewhere in Kansas (I decided to pick on Kansas here because I have no readers in Kansas. Sure, 49 other states were available in the same category, but I digress).

2. Alphabetics
I thought alphabetics sounded like a good fake word, and, what do you know, my computer's spell check didn't have a problem with it. I guess it wasn't so fake after all (although it did just have an issue with the word "wasn't." I wonder what that's about). That explanation took entirely too long.
Your list, Craig, has some different version of the alphabet than the one I subscribe to currently, so when I'm looking for electronics for sale, I have to search through far too many rows and columns to find that little subheading. There's only two options here: downgrade yourself to the actual English version of alphabetical order or upgrade the rest of us so we don't have to spend more time looking for the garden section than it takes to explain why we're looking for that section in the first place.

3. Frightening
I don't spend a terrible amount of time or energy searching through what you have to offer me, but I really can't help but exit your page with more than a little bit of an unsettled feeling inside of me. Like that feeling you get when you think someone's behind you and you turn around there is someone there and he's staring at you and he has a beard with more crumbs in it than one meal could possibly cause. Actually, that doesn't even begin to cover the overwhelming naseous sensation I just experienced when I noticed that you have a "baby+kids" category under for sale. You're a sick person, Craig (I can't help but wonder though, how do you determine a good price on a child? I desperately hope race doesn't even enter the equation, but we are in America. If a child is sick, do you have to put him on sale until he gets well? I feel like there needs to be a system for these things).

Well, Craig, I think we got something accomplished here. Change these few things and maybe I won't be so scared to meet the guy with the couch I need for my apartment.

Sincerely,
Michael

Our Deepest Fear

I really want to write in this blog more often. I want to have things to say that will amuse people and make people think (if there are actually people who read this), but I've been plagued so long with belief that the things I do aren't interesting, so it's hard to post unless I come up with something I think is really good.

I also think that I'm scared people won't like what I write. If I never put my writing out, it can never be criticized, which could save me a lot of pain. But it also means I'll never grow in my writing, which could cause me a lot of pain in the long run.

We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world...

And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously
give other people permission to do the same.

There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.

Real Men of Jesus

As a part of my sarcastic tribute to the people who believe the same things I do, here's a little video I created. It will hopefully be the first of many.

Mr. Over-Emotional Worship Leader

*Update*
The other Real Men of Jesus videos are also on Youtube, waiting for your comments.
Mr. Ultimate Ultimate Frisbee Guy
Mr. Really Really Really Long Prayer

It's the thought that counts.

I have big plans for this blog. Big plans I'll probably never follow through with, but "it's the thought that counts," right? That's what they tell me at least.

I disagree. I tend to disagree a lot, unfortunately. That's part of my problem, or actually, my problems. It's with that disagreeing attitude that I approach this blog. This will hopefully be a place where I do more than vent my complaints or share who I talked to today (Never look back at an old blog if you value your pride at all).

Back to the thought counting. I'm not sure what ever made us think that thoughts counted. They're nice, sure, but counting? I don't recall reading "faith without good thoughts is dead" anywhere. There was something about works in a passage similar to that though. It's dead without the works.

If anyone read this blog, I might get a lot of comments about how works don't earn you salvation. I realize that. I don't deny that. I'd be hopeless if it were true because I'm really not that great in the works department.

The question I'm left with though is how is it that it's the thought that counts when faith without works is dead? Is the road to hell paved with a lot of thoughts that count?

This will hopefully be one of the most serious posts I have. I'd prefer to make this blog lighthearted and sarcastic, but who knows where it'll lead me.