There's Always Someone Cooler Than You

Horn-rimmed glasses. Suit jackets with popped-collar polos. Coffees imported from all around the world (and served at Starbucks). Hair spiked to look like you never actually styled it. Watches that give you the phase of the moon, your current latitude, and the barometric pressure (now if only I could figure out how to get it to show the time). Pumas or Chucks with new, white laces. Designer jeans that are about one size too small.

Read over that list again. Go ahead, I've got time. You know you have one friend who fits this description just a little too well. I purposefully left out one key item this person will never be seen without however. Any guesses?

If you guessed a Razor scooter, then you can stop reading this post and turn your Hootie and the Blowfish CD back on. If you guessed a good friend, you probably haven't noticed how trendy independence is becoming (and you always apparently haven't talked to one of these people). If you guessed a girl, then you'd sadly be right, but it's not what I was looking for.

What I was really looking for was an Apple product. Anything Macintosh. They've seen the commercials, they've bought the products, and they've scared Microsoft into a $300 million counter-advertisement campaign featuring Jerry Seinfeld. Now if only their credit card statement didn't say overdrawn because they had to have "it," whatever the latest "it" is. It's with this in mind that I created A Critical Spirit's "You Are What Apple Product You Own" Chart. You can call it ACSYAWAPYOC if you think it'll be easier.

1. iPod
The standard Apple product, you haven't really been cool since 1999. And even then you didn't look that impressive with your giant metal cube that somehow played music, just a bit awkward. You've slimmed down since the '90s and got a few new features, but haven't grown enough to create more than an initial impression of delight. You used to be the best at what you did, then someone came along and did it just a little better. He's described next.

2. iPod Touch
Shiny. New. Internet ready. You come out in a big way and your first impression lingers for more than just the day. You can do everything the one you upstaged does, but you do it with so much more class. You couldn't leave it at that though. You couldn't just show him up in front of all his friends at the stuff he was already good at. You had to take it to a whole new level and do things he could never dream of doing. The trouble is, people still sometimes forget your name (they seem to think you're just an iTouch). Oh, and you're a stripped down inferior version of the next guy.

3. iPhone
You are an island. An untouchable, state-of-the-art, mind-blowing island. You are completely self-sufficient and incredibly user friendly. Like the guy above, you have qualities no one would have ever seen being combined into one beautifully wrapped package, but you have even more than him. Where he lacks, you shine. Where he shines, you shine all the brighter. You embarrass others unabashedly, but still have a few glaring flaws that you're ashamed those around you know.

4. MacBook/MacBook Pro
The epitome of your kind. The best of what's around. The fastest, the sleekest, the coolest. And you absolutely know it. You don't freeze up when you're needed most and all of your parts seem to be functioning properly. You have the ability to be anything to anyone. Unfortunately, you're just not for everyone. Some will even seek drastic measures just to avoid you and your type. You come with too much of a stigma, one that many aren't willing to let tag along with them.

I write all this to make my almost meaningless point in the most complex, drawn out way. I don't care who you are, I don't care where you're from, I don't care what you did (as long as you love me), what Ben Folds has said is true. There's always someone cooler than you. Don't buy into your own hype, you're not as great as you think you are. And if you find yourself with friends who are constantly needing to upgrade to cooler, different products, don't let it bother you too much. They'll probably never find something with all the features they're dying for.