One for the Ladies

I had a complaint a few posts ago that the post relating guys' actions to tennis serves was irrelevant to females. Irrelevant. You might as well tell Fergie that she is not, in fact, T-to-the-A-to-the-S-T-E-Y tasty. Tell Outkast that they aren't so fresh, so clean (so fresh and so clean-clean). Tell Timbaland that you would love him to be any other way except for the way he are.

I could digress with rap references all day if I really wanted to, but the point is, I completely missed 50% of my audience. I thought the last post would in some way make up for it, but with all the response it generated (none at all), it was tough to tell any kind of solid opinion on it whatsoever, so I thought I'd throw another one towards the ladies and hope the guys are willing to tag along again.

It's going to start with this quote:
"I understand what makes a woman think that any man is better than nothing. I'll just never understand what makes any woman think she's got nothing." - Aaron Sorkin, Sports Night

And it's going to quite ungracefully transition to this list:
How to Make Any Woman Think She's Got Nothing.

1. Tell Her
It's simple, it's upfront, and it's quick and painless. Well, it is for you, and that's what we're going for here. Casually mention that she's gained a little weight and joke that the girl from your Physics class is starting to look pretty good. Tell a joke to a group friends and be quick to jump on her when she doesn't get it as fast as they do. Point out that she breaks down into tears too easily when she's upset by something so silly as you talking to an ex-girlfriend. If you're looking to get it over with quickly, this is the option for you. If you're asking yourself "hey, is there a more drawn out and much more scarring approach I can take?," move to item 2.

2. Show Her
"What you do speaks so loudly that I cannot hear what you say." - Ghandi
This one takes some patience and dedication, but it will all pay off when she has to sit through years of counseling just to work up the courage to say yes to the guy from her work who is asking her on a date. It may get frustrating at times, and you may find yourself wanting to give up the whole process, but don't stop halfway. She'll have no use for guys like yourself if she isn't completely broken at least once in her life.
Forget to call her. Just don't call her. Break plans with her to hang out with your friends. Break plans with her to hang out with her friends. Break plans with her just to break plans with her. Don't pay for her on dates. Don't take her on dates. Don't open doors for her. Close doors on her. Hold her hand only when no one's looking. Don't hold her hand at all. Kiss her like you want something more. Only kiss her because you want something more. Always want something more.
As you can see, the list can go on indefinitely. Just make sure the things you do to her say "I don't value you" even if the only thing your lips ever say is "I love you."

And the conclusion will follow immediately after this colon:
The statitistics I just made up say that less than 60% of females currently have self-image problems. Men, I hold you personally responsible. I think if there were more of us currently trying just a little bit harder, that number could shoot up to 70, 80, or with any luck, maybe even 90%. If you're not going to do it, who is?