Well, I saw her again. She started walking my away and I expected a life-changing, earth-shattering smile coming straight my way. She looked up and then immediately back at the ground. I don't think I'll be getting her name anytime soon.
It's not exactly the same as what normally happens to me, but things like this happen a lot. Normally, it goes down like this. I meet someone. We get along. They stop talking to me completely and act very uncomfortable when I try to talk to them. So I go from ice cream and puppies and rainbows to the plague in less time than it took to build Rome. Don't let anyone tell you it wasn't built in a day. It was. Look it up.
So I guess what I'm wondering is, what is it about me that so readily repels people? I have a few theories. Let me know what you think.
1. I'm tall.
I know what you're thinking, really, I do. But tell me, if you don't have a thing against tall people, how many of you ever hung out with Wilt Chamberlain? Kareem Abdul Jabar? Manute Bol? Well then, I think I proved that point pretty easily.
2. I have long-ish brown hair.
Doesn't sound intimidating? You probably haven't been introduced to a leo panthera then. Doesn't ring a bell? It's just a gentle, loving creature known more commonly as a lion. That mane strikes terror into many creatures and maybe so does mine.
3. I eat a lot of carbohydrates.
Not normally thought of something that would bring out a fight-or-flight reaction in someone, but that may be part of the problem. If you don't think carbs are scary, then you're obviously not aware that they are the most abundant of the four major classes of biomolecules, which also include proteins, lipids, and nucleic acids (wikipedia.org).
4. I blog sarcastically.
This can be intimidating to the sarcastically challenged for two reasons. One, because they may not understand I'm being sarcastic. There could be people out there right this second forming destructive relationships and avoiding craigslist at all costs. The second is that when you know a guy has as many as 5 readers at his blog each day, it's hard to stand out among all those faces.
Well, those are my ideas. Tell me if there are any that I've missed, if you decide that returning to my blog really won't be hazardous to your health.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Monday, September 29, 2008
My Birthday
Well, today has been my birthday. I was told yesterday that I am now officially legal, which, since it was by someone I've never met in my life was a little too far beyond creepy for me. Around 80 or so of my closest and dearest friends decided they'd all pitch in and get me what I've always wanted though, 80 or so wall posts on my Facebook page. Jealous? Thought so.
I could spend this entire post being sarcastic about how that's not exactly the best way to show someone you care, but I told myself that I wouldn't spend my birthday that way. I was going to be happy regardless of whether my friends completely ignored me for a day or if they threw me the greatest party ever, which would probably be located at the swanky Chuck E. Cheese. A finer establishment has never been owned by a giant, incredibly terrifying mouse.
No, instead of going that route, I'm going to try something I only try once in a while. Actually, I think it's safe to say that I'm going to try something hardly anyone tries any more than "once in a while." Instead of giving jokes and humor, which, granted, are a big part of me, I'm going to give you something honest, and real, and probably a little bit embarrassing.
Well, here it is. I call it What I Really Want For My Birthday.
What I really want for my birthday doesn't come in a box or an envelope. It won't fit in my wallet or be hung up in my closet. I won't play it in the DVD player or add it to the new music playlist on my iPod. No prior experience will be necessary and no assembly will be required. It won't come in completely unopenable plastic packaging and a 30 day money back guarantee won't be necessary.
What I really want for my birthday is love. To be in love. It sounds ridiculous and it's probably selfish of me, but nothing sounds more wonderful and amazing to me than love. I don't want to make it sound like I'm just desperate and in need of companionship. What I really want is the real thing. The kind that makes it so your heart and brain are going so fast that there's no way your lips will ever be able to catch up and say what's actually going on. The kind that makes it not only okay to be yourself, it makes it absolutely necessary, because without you, it's no longer there. I want to be able to watch a romantic comedy and think that they don't know what they're missing instead of wondering about what I don't have. More than anything, this is what I want.
Well, that and an iPhone.
I could spend this entire post being sarcastic about how that's not exactly the best way to show someone you care, but I told myself that I wouldn't spend my birthday that way. I was going to be happy regardless of whether my friends completely ignored me for a day or if they threw me the greatest party ever, which would probably be located at the swanky Chuck E. Cheese. A finer establishment has never been owned by a giant, incredibly terrifying mouse.
No, instead of going that route, I'm going to try something I only try once in a while. Actually, I think it's safe to say that I'm going to try something hardly anyone tries any more than "once in a while." Instead of giving jokes and humor, which, granted, are a big part of me, I'm going to give you something honest, and real, and probably a little bit embarrassing.
Well, here it is. I call it What I Really Want For My Birthday.
What I really want for my birthday doesn't come in a box or an envelope. It won't fit in my wallet or be hung up in my closet. I won't play it in the DVD player or add it to the new music playlist on my iPod. No prior experience will be necessary and no assembly will be required. It won't come in completely unopenable plastic packaging and a 30 day money back guarantee won't be necessary.
What I really want for my birthday is love. To be in love. It sounds ridiculous and it's probably selfish of me, but nothing sounds more wonderful and amazing to me than love. I don't want to make it sound like I'm just desperate and in need of companionship. What I really want is the real thing. The kind that makes it so your heart and brain are going so fast that there's no way your lips will ever be able to catch up and say what's actually going on. The kind that makes it not only okay to be yourself, it makes it absolutely necessary, because without you, it's no longer there. I want to be able to watch a romantic comedy and think that they don't know what they're missing instead of wondering about what I don't have. More than anything, this is what I want.
Well, that and an iPhone.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
The Mentalist vs. Psych
Well this one's new. I was looking to watch the newest episode of Dexter because Showtime told me I could (be warned, it lied), and I saw a trailer for a new TV show called The Mentalist. I can't find the trailer I saw, but it went a lot like this.
Crowded street. People are everywhere. Quick flashes of people with close-ups on key pieces of evidence revealing something hidden about them.
Sounds like a cool premise, doesn't it? I thought so too, especially when I first saw it three years ago on Psych. In the spirit of The Mentalist, I've decided to pitch you a few of the show concepts I've come up with.
The first is a half-hour sitcom called Mates. We follow six friends living in downtown London as they experience life and love together. A goofy, out-of-work actor lives with a sarcastic, wait, what's his job again? So, no one told you life was going to be this way...
To get the forensic audience drawn in, I plan to promote a little show I like to call CSI: Indianapolis. The catch? Absolutely every episode will have something to do with the Colts. The city officials are caught spending way too much money on an unnecessary new stadium! Someone stole Peyton Manning's talent! A sarcastic blogger is killed for daring to defy the Almighty Colts!
The Factory will feature anyone from any Will Ferrell movie as the blundering supervisor who will never get fired or sued despite being blatantly racist or sexist towards his employees on a number of occasions.
Next on the list is a show I think I'll call Gray's Anatomy. It should be pretty obvious what I did to make this one my own.
I have big hopes for Saturday Afternoon Lights, a show about a high school soccer team set in Texas. Here's to hoping it isn't incredibly underappreciated by whatever network picks it up, gets stuck in a lousy timeslot, and eventually bumped to airing on DirecTV only. Why do we need lights for a Saturday afternoon? Well, um, it's quite overcast a lot?
Villians will follow exactly the same storyline as the mostly unheard of show Heroes. Easy, huh? Absolutely no new creativity required. That seems to be the goal most of the time.
Gotham will be the story of young Bruce Wayne long before Batman ever began. We'll see him with his absolute lack of superpowers doing things such as attracting women with his parents money and playing Xbox 360 on his big screen TV.
It didn't seem like my style to make something I hadn't given a fair chance to (I even have to stop and laugh at that one), so I decided to watch the pilot of the show, and I must say, I was slightly wrong. The Mentalist isn't like Psych. It's like a combination of Psych mixed with the storylines from the first two seasons of Dexter without the style or charm of the lead characters from either show.
I'd like to extend an invitation with this post. Come up with your own television show and leave your short pitch in the comment section. It probably will never compare to originality I've offered in the above shows, but you should at least try.
Crowded street. People are everywhere. Quick flashes of people with close-ups on key pieces of evidence revealing something hidden about them.
MENTALIST
Some people think I'm psychic. Truth is, there's no so thing as psychics. I'm just paying attention.
Sounds like a cool premise, doesn't it? I thought so too, especially when I first saw it three years ago on Psych. In the spirit of The Mentalist, I've decided to pitch you a few of the show concepts I've come up with.
The first is a half-hour sitcom called Mates. We follow six friends living in downtown London as they experience life and love together. A goofy, out-of-work actor lives with a sarcastic, wait, what's his job again? So, no one told you life was going to be this way...
To get the forensic audience drawn in, I plan to promote a little show I like to call CSI: Indianapolis. The catch? Absolutely every episode will have something to do with the Colts. The city officials are caught spending way too much money on an unnecessary new stadium! Someone stole Peyton Manning's talent! A sarcastic blogger is killed for daring to defy the Almighty Colts!
The Factory will feature anyone from any Will Ferrell movie as the blundering supervisor who will never get fired or sued despite being blatantly racist or sexist towards his employees on a number of occasions.
Next on the list is a show I think I'll call Gray's Anatomy. It should be pretty obvious what I did to make this one my own.
I have big hopes for Saturday Afternoon Lights, a show about a high school soccer team set in Texas. Here's to hoping it isn't incredibly underappreciated by whatever network picks it up, gets stuck in a lousy timeslot, and eventually bumped to airing on DirecTV only. Why do we need lights for a Saturday afternoon? Well, um, it's quite overcast a lot?
Villians will follow exactly the same storyline as the mostly unheard of show Heroes. Easy, huh? Absolutely no new creativity required. That seems to be the goal most of the time.
Gotham will be the story of young Bruce Wayne long before Batman ever began. We'll see him with his absolute lack of superpowers doing things such as attracting women with his parents money and playing Xbox 360 on his big screen TV.
It didn't seem like my style to make something I hadn't given a fair chance to (I even have to stop and laugh at that one), so I decided to watch the pilot of the show, and I must say, I was slightly wrong. The Mentalist isn't like Psych. It's like a combination of Psych mixed with the storylines from the first two seasons of Dexter without the style or charm of the lead characters from either show.
I'd like to extend an invitation with this post. Come up with your own television show and leave your short pitch in the comment section. It probably will never compare to originality I've offered in the above shows, but you should at least try.
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Destructive Relationships (and the Fun They Can Be)
I've noticed that I cover a lot of controversial topics in my blog: Microsoft, combining volleyball and dating into one massive encouragement-fest, craigslist (no, you don't deserve to be capitalized, craig), and even Dollar General. This one is far beyond those though. I could lose some of my readers, which, when you only have 5, is a big risk.
I'm going to do it though. I'm going to discuss the inherent value of a destructive relationship. It's different than what you think. They aren't valuable because they teach you who not to be with, or the pain associated with them strengthens you, or even because they make you appreciate it when you really find "the one" (or the next one, or the one after that one).
No, no, no. You're mistaken. Their value lies in completely different places. In my normal list-like style, I'll show you a few of the areas I've discovered.
1. Isolationism
No man is an island, but you can sure try. If you're looking to get rid of your pesky friends quicker than the U.S. could ever dream of, a destructive relationship is a good place to start. Your friends will have all of these "caring" things to say to you, such as "he's no good for you" or "no one deserves to be abused" or "she's cheating on you," giving you a perfect opportunity to ignore them and invalidate any friendships you held. With all the people who care about you out of the way, it'll be much easier to focus on the one who doesn't.
2. Stubbornness
Nothing shows a stronger will than a person who's willing to hold on so tightly to a person who barely notices their existence. All the better if the person is abusive. If the person is constantly dehumanizing you and you keep coming back, all of your friends and loved ones will marvel at your stronger than Hulk-like resolve (if you got the embedded comic book joke, good for you).
3. Self esteem
To quote The Offspring song of the same name, "The more you suffer, the more it shows you really care, right? Yeah!" You can gain pride in the fact that you consistently return to the person who shows you just how worthless you really are. Nothing builds self esteem more than clinging to a person despite their less than amorous feelings towards you.
4. Baggage
There's something about having to move on after 2 years of a relationship that didn't nourish you at all. You have a lot of leftovers that stick with you longer than the ones from Thanksgiving. This can be useful when you're to the point of finding a whole new relationship, because it's almost guaranteed that you won't look for anything better than what you're used to, because, hey, why do you deserve it?
I personally try to enter a new destructive relationship every 2 months or so, but I'm an underachiever. Show me up, try for 5 or 6 in a month. You already know the benefits.
I'm going to do it though. I'm going to discuss the inherent value of a destructive relationship. It's different than what you think. They aren't valuable because they teach you who not to be with, or the pain associated with them strengthens you, or even because they make you appreciate it when you really find "the one" (or the next one, or the one after that one).
No, no, no. You're mistaken. Their value lies in completely different places. In my normal list-like style, I'll show you a few of the areas I've discovered.
1. Isolationism
No man is an island, but you can sure try. If you're looking to get rid of your pesky friends quicker than the U.S. could ever dream of, a destructive relationship is a good place to start. Your friends will have all of these "caring" things to say to you, such as "he's no good for you" or "no one deserves to be abused" or "she's cheating on you," giving you a perfect opportunity to ignore them and invalidate any friendships you held. With all the people who care about you out of the way, it'll be much easier to focus on the one who doesn't.
2. Stubbornness
Nothing shows a stronger will than a person who's willing to hold on so tightly to a person who barely notices their existence. All the better if the person is abusive. If the person is constantly dehumanizing you and you keep coming back, all of your friends and loved ones will marvel at your stronger than Hulk-like resolve (if you got the embedded comic book joke, good for you).
3. Self esteem
To quote The Offspring song of the same name, "The more you suffer, the more it shows you really care, right? Yeah!" You can gain pride in the fact that you consistently return to the person who shows you just how worthless you really are. Nothing builds self esteem more than clinging to a person despite their less than amorous feelings towards you.
4. Baggage
There's something about having to move on after 2 years of a relationship that didn't nourish you at all. You have a lot of leftovers that stick with you longer than the ones from Thanksgiving. This can be useful when you're to the point of finding a whole new relationship, because it's almost guaranteed that you won't look for anything better than what you're used to, because, hey, why do you deserve it?
I personally try to enter a new destructive relationship every 2 months or so, but I'm an underachiever. Show me up, try for 5 or 6 in a month. You already know the benefits.
Friday, September 26, 2008
The Backburner
I don't know about you, but there are some phrases I just don't hear referring to what they were intended to mean. "Put it on the backburner" is one of them. I can't cook much past a bowl of Frosted Flakes, so I guess that might be part of the reason, but I digress.
The real point is that if there's something important, the backburner is no place for it. It could be a relationship (friendship or otherwise), it could something you have to do, or it could be something you really love to do but seem to get distracted from.
Putting your relationships there ends them pretty quickly. If your actions really do speak louder than your words, then you're practically yelling that you have other things that are more demanding than you. Don't get me wrong, you shouldn't spend every minute of every day nurturing every friendship you've ever had -- sometimes it's even okay to leave a friendship behind -- but just remember what you're saying by not saying anything.
If your job gets pushed back, don't expect a raise or promotion anytime soon. Expect to be moved to the mail center. Unless of course you already work in the mail center, then you'll probably end up hand-cleaning the stains out of the carpet. Unless of course you already hand-cleanthe stains out of the carpet...
If your passions lose their priority, they seem to stop bothering you. Your passions want to be a part of your life, but if you don't want anything to do with them, they'll understand and not waste your time.
I hope you're okay with my less than sarcastic rant. I promise I'll be back in top sarcastic form soon.
The real point is that if there's something important, the backburner is no place for it. It could be a relationship (friendship or otherwise), it could something you have to do, or it could be something you really love to do but seem to get distracted from.
Putting your relationships there ends them pretty quickly. If your actions really do speak louder than your words, then you're practically yelling that you have other things that are more demanding than you. Don't get me wrong, you shouldn't spend every minute of every day nurturing every friendship you've ever had -- sometimes it's even okay to leave a friendship behind -- but just remember what you're saying by not saying anything.
If your job gets pushed back, don't expect a raise or promotion anytime soon. Expect to be moved to the mail center. Unless of course you already work in the mail center, then you'll probably end up hand-cleaning the stains out of the carpet. Unless of course you already hand-cleanthe stains out of the carpet...
If your passions lose their priority, they seem to stop bothering you. Your passions want to be a part of your life, but if you don't want anything to do with them, they'll understand and not waste your time.
I hope you're okay with my less than sarcastic rant. I promise I'll be back in top sarcastic form soon.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Hi, I'm a PC
That's actually a lie. I dutifully type all of my blog posts on my little (read: giant) MacBook Pro that is definitely built for speed and not for comfort. Comfort in this case referring to portability; it doesn't have much since it's bigger and heavier than my Spanish textbook (and that one's a hardcover).
I tend to get off topic a lot. Let's refocus.
Now, the real point is to discuss the recent "Hi, I'm a PC" commercials Microsoft has put out to counter the Get a Mac ad campaign from Apple. In relatively good time too. That makes Microsoft about 47 (yeah, I counted) ads and 2 years behind Apple. 2 years. That's the absolute latest "yeah, well, so's your face" type comeback I think I've ever heard of.
It's funny how some things are just reflections of other things in a bunch of different ways. First, I hold the opinion that Microsoft is about 2 years behind Apple in development in a lot of different ways, but we'll just narrowly skim that subject so I don't get killed in some back alley by an avid PC fan wielding an Ethernet card that Vista couldn't seem to recognize.
No, what really gets me is that this kind of thing has already been covered in popular culture. In a widely popular sitcom, to be exact. Any guesses? Anyone? (insert mandatory Ferris Bueller reference here)
The show was Seinfeld. The episode was The Comeback. Ringing any bells? George Costanza is told that "the ocean called; they're running out of shrimp" while consuming massive amounts of the tiny crustacean and he's left more than a little speechless (but altogether satisfied, because, well, he was eating shrimp). He finally thinks of a comeback, presumably hours later: "Oh yeah, Reilly? Well the jerk store called and they're running out of you."
I'll leave the rest of the episode for your viewing pleasure, but the point is, what's the point of having a retort if it took you more than about a second and a half to come up with? To make matters more interesting, Jerry Seinfeld was in a short series of commercials intended to combat the Mac ads which was promptly cancelled and changed to the new "I'm a PC" commercials, making Seinfeld's commercials the equivalence of the "Oh yeah, Reilly?" followed by another awkward pause before Costanza delivers his jerk store line. Whew.
Now, if only we could get Microsoft to start trying George's idea that "if every instinct I have is wrong, then the opposite must be right." Maybe then 1/3 of PC users wouldn't want to downgrade to the outdated operating system Microsoft offers rather than their newest and flashiest.
I tend to get off topic a lot. Let's refocus.
Now, the real point is to discuss the recent "Hi, I'm a PC" commercials Microsoft has put out to counter the Get a Mac ad campaign from Apple. In relatively good time too. That makes Microsoft about 47 (yeah, I counted) ads and 2 years behind Apple. 2 years. That's the absolute latest "yeah, well, so's your face" type comeback I think I've ever heard of.
It's funny how some things are just reflections of other things in a bunch of different ways. First, I hold the opinion that Microsoft is about 2 years behind Apple in development in a lot of different ways, but we'll just narrowly skim that subject so I don't get killed in some back alley by an avid PC fan wielding an Ethernet card that Vista couldn't seem to recognize.
No, what really gets me is that this kind of thing has already been covered in popular culture. In a widely popular sitcom, to be exact. Any guesses? Anyone? (insert mandatory Ferris Bueller reference here)
The show was Seinfeld. The episode was The Comeback. Ringing any bells? George Costanza is told that "the ocean called; they're running out of shrimp" while consuming massive amounts of the tiny crustacean and he's left more than a little speechless (but altogether satisfied, because, well, he was eating shrimp). He finally thinks of a comeback, presumably hours later: "Oh yeah, Reilly? Well the jerk store called and they're running out of you."
I'll leave the rest of the episode for your viewing pleasure, but the point is, what's the point of having a retort if it took you more than about a second and a half to come up with? To make matters more interesting, Jerry Seinfeld was in a short series of commercials intended to combat the Mac ads which was promptly cancelled and changed to the new "I'm a PC" commercials, making Seinfeld's commercials the equivalence of the "Oh yeah, Reilly?" followed by another awkward pause before Costanza delivers his jerk store line. Whew.
Now, if only we could get Microsoft to start trying George's idea that "if every instinct I have is wrong, then the opposite must be right." Maybe then 1/3 of PC users wouldn't want to downgrade to the outdated operating system Microsoft offers rather than their newest and flashiest.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
I'm Embarrassed to be a Christian
If you're anything like me, you've probably already judged the entire post based on just the title. I felt a little bit bad writing it, to be honest, but the situation just isn't getting any better and it needs to stop.
Christian, to me, should be synonymous with a whole list of words (or phrases), including, but not limited to these: fun, painfully honest, alive, artist, creator, creation, thoughtful, thought-provoking, respectful, respected, loving, real, open, sacrificial, passionate, available, unsafe, peaceful, self-giving, self-assure, sexual and spiritual beings, innovative, content, discontent, settled, unsettling, disrupted, disrupting.
Now, let's compare that to what the word Christian seems to have become identified with: safe, passive, unmotivated, unmoving, intolerant, uneducated, afraid, exclusive, unloving, unemotional, sexually restrained, condemning, closed off, trend followers, impassionate.
Since it does no good to point out problems and not offer solutions, I figured I'd offer three suggestions that could change things up ever so slightly. Despite not being a pastor, or even a pastor in training, I'll offer them in sermon outline style, alliteration and all.
1. Capo
For a group of people who believe they are made by the most innovative of Creators, we seem to have taken the day off in the creativity department. When a people group that should be able to pride (read: be proud of, not be prideful of) itself in innovation has put out the same song more times than Nickelback, something needs to change. If you can't find yourself able to play anything out of the key of G, pick up a capo and knock it up 5 steps or so. It will at least make it look like you're better than you actually are.
2. Cast
I understand the appeal, I really do, but there are actors besides Kirk Cameron looking to act. Kirk Cameron is good, I personally enjoy Growing Pains, but you're going to start stigmatizing yourself if he's the biggest name you have, and you have him for every single movie you do. Find an up and coming actor (for some reason, they're quite willing to do projects quite cheaply) or just rethink your concept for wider appeal. Tell Clooney he owes you one for making you sit through that whole Batman & Robin fiasco.
3. Challenge
Go ahead, show someone something they haven't seen before. They may surprise you and actually appreciate it. Be honest with someone even when you think it benefits you or them to lie. Go out of your way to show someone that there's something different about you and you're not ashamed of that. "As we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same."
It's just a few suggestions, really, it's not that hard. I want to be proud of this label I have chosen. I'm tired of thinking that Christian doesn't belong as an adjective connected to what I want to be, a filmmaker.
Christian, to me, should be synonymous with a whole list of words (or phrases), including, but not limited to these: fun, painfully honest, alive, artist, creator, creation, thoughtful, thought-provoking, respectful, respected, loving, real, open, sacrificial, passionate, available, unsafe, peaceful, self-giving, self-assure, sexual and spiritual beings, innovative, content, discontent, settled, unsettling, disrupted, disrupting.
Now, let's compare that to what the word Christian seems to have become identified with: safe, passive, unmotivated, unmoving, intolerant, uneducated, afraid, exclusive, unloving, unemotional, sexually restrained, condemning, closed off, trend followers, impassionate.
Since it does no good to point out problems and not offer solutions, I figured I'd offer three suggestions that could change things up ever so slightly. Despite not being a pastor, or even a pastor in training, I'll offer them in sermon outline style, alliteration and all.
1. Capo
For a group of people who believe they are made by the most innovative of Creators, we seem to have taken the day off in the creativity department. When a people group that should be able to pride (read: be proud of, not be prideful of) itself in innovation has put out the same song more times than Nickelback, something needs to change. If you can't find yourself able to play anything out of the key of G, pick up a capo and knock it up 5 steps or so. It will at least make it look like you're better than you actually are.
2. Cast
I understand the appeal, I really do, but there are actors besides Kirk Cameron looking to act. Kirk Cameron is good, I personally enjoy Growing Pains, but you're going to start stigmatizing yourself if he's the biggest name you have, and you have him for every single movie you do. Find an up and coming actor (for some reason, they're quite willing to do projects quite cheaply) or just rethink your concept for wider appeal. Tell Clooney he owes you one for making you sit through that whole Batman & Robin fiasco.
3. Challenge
Go ahead, show someone something they haven't seen before. They may surprise you and actually appreciate it. Be honest with someone even when you think it benefits you or them to lie. Go out of your way to show someone that there's something different about you and you're not ashamed of that. "As we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same."
It's just a few suggestions, really, it's not that hard. I want to be proud of this label I have chosen. I'm tired of thinking that Christian doesn't belong as an adjective connected to what I want to be, a filmmaker.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Someone Smiled At Me Today
I know what you're thinking - "But Michael, with your ruggedly handsome looks and your suave, debonair charm, I'd bet people would be smiling at you all the time." My only response is, well, you apparently aren't a gambler if you're willing to throw away cash on something so foolhardy as this. Truth is, I must be about the human equivalent of a Warhead candy to people who don't know me. They do this weird suck-in-their-face, braced-for-the-worst look that I can only describe using a bunch of hyphenated words that probably don't even need hyphenation.
I'm left with a few lingering questions though:
1. If I were in fact a Warhead, what flavor would I be? I wouldn't want to be a flavor where my color describes me, because who would eat a "white raspberry" candy? Do Warheads even know what they flavor they end up? Do some of them think "dang it, I'm lemon-lime. I'll be on the shelf for a while"?
2. How do you respond if you don't know the person? Do you just smile and say "hey" back? If you did it exactly the same way, would the person think you were mocking them or would they be tempted to ask you to do the human mirror trick with them?
3. Would it have been inappropriate for me to strike up a conversation? She throws me a hello and I think we're going to be fast friends. What if her smile and hello was a friendly "I hope he doesn't talk to me" gesture? Is there a friendly gesture like that? If there is, why haven't I learned it and been using it by now?
4. Would her smile have had a different effect, if say, it was storming outside? I think I would've thought "who in the world is this friendly when there's a very good chance a tree could be blown over on you at any moment?"
5. What if a person walking behind me saw her treat me in such a friendly manner and then she proceeded to not do the same for him? Are all of the kindness points she earned from smiling at me immediately revoked?
So there you go. Smile at someone today, it just may make them spend far too long analyzing it when they should be studying for a Spanish test.
I'm left with a few lingering questions though:
1. If I were in fact a Warhead, what flavor would I be? I wouldn't want to be a flavor where my color describes me, because who would eat a "white raspberry" candy? Do Warheads even know what they flavor they end up? Do some of them think "dang it, I'm lemon-lime. I'll be on the shelf for a while"?
2. How do you respond if you don't know the person? Do you just smile and say "hey" back? If you did it exactly the same way, would the person think you were mocking them or would they be tempted to ask you to do the human mirror trick with them?
3. Would it have been inappropriate for me to strike up a conversation? She throws me a hello and I think we're going to be fast friends. What if her smile and hello was a friendly "I hope he doesn't talk to me" gesture? Is there a friendly gesture like that? If there is, why haven't I learned it and been using it by now?
4. Would her smile have had a different effect, if say, it was storming outside? I think I would've thought "who in the world is this friendly when there's a very good chance a tree could be blown over on you at any moment?"
5. What if a person walking behind me saw her treat me in such a friendly manner and then she proceeded to not do the same for him? Are all of the kindness points she earned from smiling at me immediately revoked?
So there you go. Smile at someone today, it just may make them spend far too long analyzing it when they should be studying for a Spanish test.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
A Guy's Guide for Girls on Getting a Great Guy
The art of picking a man is more of a finely honed craft than it is a random encounter. Regardless of how it may appear, there is no coincidental bumping into each other, no innocent glances across a crowded room, no random crossing of paths. It is all, in fact, planned by those who know exactly what they're doing and exactly who they're looking for.
If you meet a man who has been single for a considerable amount of time (read: more than 2 weeks), there are only two options. He is either A. reserved for later use by one of your own kind (once she is done with her other random flings) or B. proven to be unworthy of attention altogether. There is no other option. Avoid these types at all costs; they are of no use to you.
Rather, focus your sights on those already receiving an overabundance of female fixation. They may have attained more than it would seem they deserve, but pay no mind to this. They crave more, so give them more.
If you're still concerned, it's understandable. The men you are looking for haven't been presented too clearly yet. Here, let me introduce you to a few.
1. Chip Washington
Chip is on the football team. That's really the only option for you if your name is Chip, so that's what he does. Well, that or coming up with the new flavor of Doritos (I'll give you a hint, it should have the word "cheese" in it somewhere). He's probably the punter and may not even be first string, but he's still on the football team. Bask in his excellence as much as possible, this guy could be as close as you ever get to Peyton Manning, and with a smaller forehead too. Football players are notoriously faithful and thoughtful to the feelings of females, especially when playing at the college level, so be sure to flirt it up with Chip on a regular basis.
2. Luke Wilder
You may know him by one of his many aliases. One undoubtedly describes just how masculine he really is (and, incidentally, was made up by him as well) and one probably makes use of the obvious pun with his name and another word for vomit. Whatever the case, Luke consumes more alcohol than the majority of France on a nightly basis. The negative people you know probably consider this an unappealing quality, but think about how much more fun it makes him. Spending your time with Luke will open the door for countless times to start a story with "Man, we were so wasted last night..."
3. Kyle Smith
Ignoring the fact that his name is as generic as his personality, you want to meet Mile High Kyle. He's just slightly more promiscuous than Nelly Furtado, Justin Timberlake and Timbaland combined, but that shouldn't be any of your concern. Just because he was that way with all the other girls doesn't mean he'll be that way with you, right? And even if he is, maybe it's just something you need to do if you want to be with that crowd.
These are just guidelines, a frame of reference for you to know which direction is north on the charm compass you use to navigate the uneven seas of love. If you can find a singular man who combines all of the above features, all the better. Just know that you will never be satisfied until you attain someone exactly like one of the guys described. There are far too many guys out there who will care for you for who you are and not what you look like after a couple of beers or when you're less than fully dressed. Avoid these types, as they may show you there is something truly valuable about you.
If you meet a man who has been single for a considerable amount of time (read: more than 2 weeks), there are only two options. He is either A. reserved for later use by one of your own kind (once she is done with her other random flings) or B. proven to be unworthy of attention altogether. There is no other option. Avoid these types at all costs; they are of no use to you.
Rather, focus your sights on those already receiving an overabundance of female fixation. They may have attained more than it would seem they deserve, but pay no mind to this. They crave more, so give them more.
If you're still concerned, it's understandable. The men you are looking for haven't been presented too clearly yet. Here, let me introduce you to a few.
1. Chip Washington
Chip is on the football team. That's really the only option for you if your name is Chip, so that's what he does. Well, that or coming up with the new flavor of Doritos (I'll give you a hint, it should have the word "cheese" in it somewhere). He's probably the punter and may not even be first string, but he's still on the football team. Bask in his excellence as much as possible, this guy could be as close as you ever get to Peyton Manning, and with a smaller forehead too. Football players are notoriously faithful and thoughtful to the feelings of females, especially when playing at the college level, so be sure to flirt it up with Chip on a regular basis.
2. Luke Wilder
You may know him by one of his many aliases. One undoubtedly describes just how masculine he really is (and, incidentally, was made up by him as well) and one probably makes use of the obvious pun with his name and another word for vomit. Whatever the case, Luke consumes more alcohol than the majority of France on a nightly basis. The negative people you know probably consider this an unappealing quality, but think about how much more fun it makes him. Spending your time with Luke will open the door for countless times to start a story with "Man, we were so wasted last night..."
3. Kyle Smith
Ignoring the fact that his name is as generic as his personality, you want to meet Mile High Kyle. He's just slightly more promiscuous than Nelly Furtado, Justin Timberlake and Timbaland combined, but that shouldn't be any of your concern. Just because he was that way with all the other girls doesn't mean he'll be that way with you, right? And even if he is, maybe it's just something you need to do if you want to be with that crowd.
These are just guidelines, a frame of reference for you to know which direction is north on the charm compass you use to navigate the uneven seas of love. If you can find a singular man who combines all of the above features, all the better. Just know that you will never be satisfied until you attain someone exactly like one of the guys described. There are far too many guys out there who will care for you for who you are and not what you look like after a couple of beers or when you're less than fully dressed. Avoid these types, as they may show you there is something truly valuable about you.
Monday, September 8, 2008
Loving Someone (and How Many Points it's Worth)
I don't get it. I'm not a stupid person. I can generally grasp concepts without too much effort. Generally, the only time I struggle with learning something is when I make a conscious decision to not apply myself. But I will never understand how we've all missed something so obvious.
We've been missing a scoring system for love. We're always trying to appear appealing to others, but have had no set number of love points that we get from each action. It's with this in mind that I present The Helpful Handbook for Infatuated Individuals (A Method of Scoring for when You're Amoring):
1. Call her just to say hello: 1 point
2. Call her daily just to say hello: 1 point each day until day 4 when you start losing 3 points each day
3. Call her just to say hello after getting her number from anyone other than her: -10 points
4. Send her a cute letter: 6 points
5. Send her a cute email: 2 points
6. Send her a cute instant message: 1/2 point (or no points if sent with any emoticon)
7. Send her a cute message with letters cut out of magazines: -42 points
8. Know her favorite color: 1 point
9. Know her favorite independent movie: 3 points
10. Know her birthday: 7 points
11. Know her social security number: -19 points
12. Memorize her class schedule: 1 point
13. Meet her outside of one of her classes now and then: 3 points
14. Meet her outside of every class, every day: -1 point after your fifth straight appearance, -2 points at the sixth, etc. continued indefinitely
15. Listen to her opinions: 4 points
16. Agree with her opinions: 11 points for the first, 5 points for the second, 1 point for the third, then the negative numbers start...
17. Know her opinions before she even tells them to you because of facebook, myspace, or a mutual friend: -7 points
18. Flirt with her: 1 point
19. Flirt with her in front of their friends: 4 points
20. Flirt with her friend because you got them confused: -19 points
Well, that's it for now. I figured I'd put up the abridged version. If I get a good response, I'll add some more. You can even leave your own thoughts and I can add them to the list.
We've been missing a scoring system for love. We're always trying to appear appealing to others, but have had no set number of love points that we get from each action. It's with this in mind that I present The Helpful Handbook for Infatuated Individuals (A Method of Scoring for when You're Amoring):
1. Call her just to say hello: 1 point
2. Call her daily just to say hello: 1 point each day until day 4 when you start losing 3 points each day
3. Call her just to say hello after getting her number from anyone other than her: -10 points
4. Send her a cute letter: 6 points
5. Send her a cute email: 2 points
6. Send her a cute instant message: 1/2 point (or no points if sent with any emoticon)
7. Send her a cute message with letters cut out of magazines: -42 points
8. Know her favorite color: 1 point
9. Know her favorite independent movie: 3 points
10. Know her birthday: 7 points
11. Know her social security number: -19 points
12. Memorize her class schedule: 1 point
13. Meet her outside of one of her classes now and then: 3 points
14. Meet her outside of every class, every day: -1 point after your fifth straight appearance, -2 points at the sixth, etc. continued indefinitely
15. Listen to her opinions: 4 points
16. Agree with her opinions: 11 points for the first, 5 points for the second, 1 point for the third, then the negative numbers start...
17. Know her opinions before she even tells them to you because of facebook, myspace, or a mutual friend: -7 points
18. Flirt with her: 1 point
19. Flirt with her in front of their friends: 4 points
20. Flirt with her friend because you got them confused: -19 points
Well, that's it for now. I figured I'd put up the abridged version. If I get a good response, I'll add some more. You can even leave your own thoughts and I can add them to the list.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
There's Always Someone Cooler Than You
Horn-rimmed glasses. Suit jackets with popped-collar polos. Coffees imported from all around the world (and served at Starbucks). Hair spiked to look like you never actually styled it. Watches that give you the phase of the moon, your current latitude, and the barometric pressure (now if only I could figure out how to get it to show the time). Pumas or Chucks with new, white laces. Designer jeans that are about one size too small.
Read over that list again. Go ahead, I've got time. You know you have one friend who fits this description just a little too well. I purposefully left out one key item this person will never be seen without however. Any guesses?
If you guessed a Razor scooter, then you can stop reading this post and turn your Hootie and the Blowfish CD back on. If you guessed a good friend, you probably haven't noticed how trendy independence is becoming (and you always apparently haven't talked to one of these people). If you guessed a girl, then you'd sadly be right, but it's not what I was looking for.
What I was really looking for was an Apple product. Anything Macintosh. They've seen the commercials, they've bought the products, and they've scared Microsoft into a $300 million counter-advertisement campaign featuring Jerry Seinfeld. Now if only their credit card statement didn't say overdrawn because they had to have "it," whatever the latest "it" is. It's with this in mind that I created A Critical Spirit's "You Are What Apple Product You Own" Chart. You can call it ACSYAWAPYOC if you think it'll be easier.
1. iPod
The standard Apple product, you haven't really been cool since 1999. And even then you didn't look that impressive with your giant metal cube that somehow played music, just a bit awkward. You've slimmed down since the '90s and got a few new features, but haven't grown enough to create more than an initial impression of delight. You used to be the best at what you did, then someone came along and did it just a little better. He's described next.
2. iPod Touch
Shiny. New. Internet ready. You come out in a big way and your first impression lingers for more than just the day. You can do everything the one you upstaged does, but you do it with so much more class. You couldn't leave it at that though. You couldn't just show him up in front of all his friends at the stuff he was already good at. You had to take it to a whole new level and do things he could never dream of doing. The trouble is, people still sometimes forget your name (they seem to think you're just an iTouch). Oh, and you're a stripped down inferior version of the next guy.
3. iPhone
You are an island. An untouchable, state-of-the-art, mind-blowing island. You are completely self-sufficient and incredibly user friendly. Like the guy above, you have qualities no one would have ever seen being combined into one beautifully wrapped package, but you have even more than him. Where he lacks, you shine. Where he shines, you shine all the brighter. You embarrass others unabashedly, but still have a few glaring flaws that you're ashamed those around you know.
4. MacBook/MacBook Pro
The epitome of your kind. The best of what's around. The fastest, the sleekest, the coolest. And you absolutely know it. You don't freeze up when you're needed most and all of your parts seem to be functioning properly. You have the ability to be anything to anyone. Unfortunately, you're just not for everyone. Some will even seek drastic measures just to avoid you and your type. You come with too much of a stigma, one that many aren't willing to let tag along with them.
I write all this to make my almost meaningless point in the most complex, drawn out way. I don't care who you are, I don't care where you're from, I don't care what you did (as long as you love me), what Ben Folds has said is true. There's always someone cooler than you. Don't buy into your own hype, you're not as great as you think you are. And if you find yourself with friends who are constantly needing to upgrade to cooler, different products, don't let it bother you too much. They'll probably never find something with all the features they're dying for.
Read over that list again. Go ahead, I've got time. You know you have one friend who fits this description just a little too well. I purposefully left out one key item this person will never be seen without however. Any guesses?
If you guessed a Razor scooter, then you can stop reading this post and turn your Hootie and the Blowfish CD back on. If you guessed a good friend, you probably haven't noticed how trendy independence is becoming (and you always apparently haven't talked to one of these people). If you guessed a girl, then you'd sadly be right, but it's not what I was looking for.
What I was really looking for was an Apple product. Anything Macintosh. They've seen the commercials, they've bought the products, and they've scared Microsoft into a $300 million counter-advertisement campaign featuring Jerry Seinfeld. Now if only their credit card statement didn't say overdrawn because they had to have "it," whatever the latest "it" is. It's with this in mind that I created A Critical Spirit's "You Are What Apple Product You Own" Chart. You can call it ACSYAWAPYOC if you think it'll be easier.
1. iPod
The standard Apple product, you haven't really been cool since 1999. And even then you didn't look that impressive with your giant metal cube that somehow played music, just a bit awkward. You've slimmed down since the '90s and got a few new features, but haven't grown enough to create more than an initial impression of delight. You used to be the best at what you did, then someone came along and did it just a little better. He's described next.
2. iPod Touch
Shiny. New. Internet ready. You come out in a big way and your first impression lingers for more than just the day. You can do everything the one you upstaged does, but you do it with so much more class. You couldn't leave it at that though. You couldn't just show him up in front of all his friends at the stuff he was already good at. You had to take it to a whole new level and do things he could never dream of doing. The trouble is, people still sometimes forget your name (they seem to think you're just an iTouch). Oh, and you're a stripped down inferior version of the next guy.
3. iPhone
You are an island. An untouchable, state-of-the-art, mind-blowing island. You are completely self-sufficient and incredibly user friendly. Like the guy above, you have qualities no one would have ever seen being combined into one beautifully wrapped package, but you have even more than him. Where he lacks, you shine. Where he shines, you shine all the brighter. You embarrass others unabashedly, but still have a few glaring flaws that you're ashamed those around you know.
4. MacBook/MacBook Pro
The epitome of your kind. The best of what's around. The fastest, the sleekest, the coolest. And you absolutely know it. You don't freeze up when you're needed most and all of your parts seem to be functioning properly. You have the ability to be anything to anyone. Unfortunately, you're just not for everyone. Some will even seek drastic measures just to avoid you and your type. You come with too much of a stigma, one that many aren't willing to let tag along with them.
I write all this to make my almost meaningless point in the most complex, drawn out way. I don't care who you are, I don't care where you're from, I don't care what you did (as long as you love me), what Ben Folds has said is true. There's always someone cooler than you. Don't buy into your own hype, you're not as great as you think you are. And if you find yourself with friends who are constantly needing to upgrade to cooler, different products, don't let it bother you too much. They'll probably never find something with all the features they're dying for.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
One for the Ladies
I had a complaint a few posts ago that the post relating guys' actions to tennis serves was irrelevant to females. Irrelevant. You might as well tell Fergie that she is not, in fact, T-to-the-A-to-the-S-T-E-Y tasty. Tell Outkast that they aren't so fresh, so clean (so fresh and so clean-clean). Tell Timbaland that you would love him to be any other way except for the way he are.
I could digress with rap references all day if I really wanted to, but the point is, I completely missed 50% of my audience. I thought the last post would in some way make up for it, but with all the response it generated (none at all), it was tough to tell any kind of solid opinion on it whatsoever, so I thought I'd throw another one towards the ladies and hope the guys are willing to tag along again.
It's going to start with this quote:
"I understand what makes a woman think that any man is better than nothing. I'll just never understand what makes any woman think she's got nothing." - Aaron Sorkin, Sports Night
And it's going to quite ungracefully transition to this list:
How to Make Any Woman Think She's Got Nothing.
1. Tell Her
It's simple, it's upfront, and it's quick and painless. Well, it is for you, and that's what we're going for here. Casually mention that she's gained a little weight and joke that the girl from your Physics class is starting to look pretty good. Tell a joke to a group friends and be quick to jump on her when she doesn't get it as fast as they do. Point out that she breaks down into tears too easily when she's upset by something so silly as you talking to an ex-girlfriend. If you're looking to get it over with quickly, this is the option for you. If you're asking yourself "hey, is there a more drawn out and much more scarring approach I can take?," move to item 2.
2. Show Her
"What you do speaks so loudly that I cannot hear what you say." - Ghandi
This one takes some patience and dedication, but it will all pay off when she has to sit through years of counseling just to work up the courage to say yes to the guy from her work who is asking her on a date. It may get frustrating at times, and you may find yourself wanting to give up the whole process, but don't stop halfway. She'll have no use for guys like yourself if she isn't completely broken at least once in her life.
Forget to call her. Just don't call her. Break plans with her to hang out with your friends. Break plans with her to hang out with her friends. Break plans with her just to break plans with her. Don't pay for her on dates. Don't take her on dates. Don't open doors for her. Close doors on her. Hold her hand only when no one's looking. Don't hold her hand at all. Kiss her like you want something more. Only kiss her because you want something more. Always want something more.
As you can see, the list can go on indefinitely. Just make sure the things you do to her say "I don't value you" even if the only thing your lips ever say is "I love you."
And the conclusion will follow immediately after this colon:
The statitistics I just made up say that less than 60% of females currently have self-image problems. Men, I hold you personally responsible. I think if there were more of us currently trying just a little bit harder, that number could shoot up to 70, 80, or with any luck, maybe even 90%. If you're not going to do it, who is?
I could digress with rap references all day if I really wanted to, but the point is, I completely missed 50% of my audience. I thought the last post would in some way make up for it, but with all the response it generated (none at all), it was tough to tell any kind of solid opinion on it whatsoever, so I thought I'd throw another one towards the ladies and hope the guys are willing to tag along again.
It's going to start with this quote:
"I understand what makes a woman think that any man is better than nothing. I'll just never understand what makes any woman think she's got nothing." - Aaron Sorkin, Sports Night
And it's going to quite ungracefully transition to this list:
How to Make Any Woman Think She's Got Nothing.
1. Tell Her
It's simple, it's upfront, and it's quick and painless. Well, it is for you, and that's what we're going for here. Casually mention that she's gained a little weight and joke that the girl from your Physics class is starting to look pretty good. Tell a joke to a group friends and be quick to jump on her when she doesn't get it as fast as they do. Point out that she breaks down into tears too easily when she's upset by something so silly as you talking to an ex-girlfriend. If you're looking to get it over with quickly, this is the option for you. If you're asking yourself "hey, is there a more drawn out and much more scarring approach I can take?," move to item 2.
2. Show Her
"What you do speaks so loudly that I cannot hear what you say." - Ghandi
This one takes some patience and dedication, but it will all pay off when she has to sit through years of counseling just to work up the courage to say yes to the guy from her work who is asking her on a date. It may get frustrating at times, and you may find yourself wanting to give up the whole process, but don't stop halfway. She'll have no use for guys like yourself if she isn't completely broken at least once in her life.
Forget to call her. Just don't call her. Break plans with her to hang out with your friends. Break plans with her to hang out with her friends. Break plans with her just to break plans with her. Don't pay for her on dates. Don't take her on dates. Don't open doors for her. Close doors on her. Hold her hand only when no one's looking. Don't hold her hand at all. Kiss her like you want something more. Only kiss her because you want something more. Always want something more.
As you can see, the list can go on indefinitely. Just make sure the things you do to her say "I don't value you" even if the only thing your lips ever say is "I love you."
And the conclusion will follow immediately after this colon:
The statitistics I just made up say that less than 60% of females currently have self-image problems. Men, I hold you personally responsible. I think if there were more of us currently trying just a little bit harder, that number could shoot up to 70, 80, or with any luck, maybe even 90%. If you're not going to do it, who is?
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