An Epidemic (Part 2: The Notches in our Belts)

On Sunday, I came out with guns blazing, my sarcasm clips fully-loaded, my eye on the target and my bullets firing as true as Dirty Harry's .44 Magnum. That's a lot of pressure to follow, manly analogy notwithstanding.

So, like anyone looking to make it in Hollywood, I know how useful it can be to capitalize on the success of something and make a sequel, even if the first is completely able to stand by itself.

This post isn't for those looking to impress though. This time, it's for the guys who have to deal with the bro-offs that come with knowing the guys who actually appreciate the advice I offered earlier. Instead of giving it to you without flair, however, I think I'll add subtle tennis undertones to take us from a walkover to Wimbledon.

Shot: Lob
This first one is a surprisingly gentle shot arching high over the head of a player too close to the net. Although not the most masculine of approaches, this one will take you off guard if you're not careful. He lures you in close to the net for a conversation with seemingly innocent intentions, then suddenly lobs one over your head back near the baseline.

Here's an example of what I mean:
Friend: (Yawns) I stayed up until after 3:00 a.m. last night. I'm really tired. I've got to stop doing that.
You: That's how college is. There's always a lot of work and never enough time.
Friend: Oh, no, actually I was on the phone with a girl until 3:00. We talked for about four hours.

See how that came out of nowhere? Well, it didn't. You weren't paying attention. You know how he is with the girls. How can you not expect him to want to show that off to you?

Countershot: Smash
He's luring you to the net. Don't fall for it this time. Throw it back at him hard and fast before he has the chance to maneuver. After his first comment, instead of leaving it open for him to take the conversation where he wants, take it somewhere else. Try "well that seems like a pretty poor decision considering you have to work today" or "I hope you don't fall asleep in your mashed potatoes again." Either of these will throw him off balance allowing for your stroke to fall cleanly into play.
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Shot: Backhand
In days of yore, a strike with the back of the hand was a sign of great disrespect and symbolized that the striker had dominion over the person being struck. This method maintains the tradition of the backhand strike in that it's frequently used and immensely insulting.

An example:
Friend: I know you don't have girls over very often, but could you clean up your part of the apartment? Tina's coming over tonight and I don't want her to think you're always this messy.

Whoa. Not only did this one attack your inability to bring females to your home court, but he also attacked your court upkeep. Thin ice he's treading on, thin ice.

Countershot: Topspin
Fielding topspin shots are tough even for skilled players. That's why, after he gives you such a backhanded comment, yours need to fall into play and have a spin he isn't seeing until it's too late. Something like "man, you and Tina are SO perfect for each other" will have him thinking that it's a compliment until he rethinks how he was just talking to you. Then, the spin kicks in and he's stumbling for a return.
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Shot: Serve
This one throws everything at you all at once. It generally comes at you pretty quickly, and, even if you were expecting it, you may be caught off guard at the speed or direction it goes.

This is an example:
You: How was your date last night?
Friend: Really good actually. I took her out to dinner and she was really flirty the whole time, then right as the opening credits rolled in the movie, she started kissing me. I think I came up for air once the entire movie.

See, you knew a description of the date was coming, but you had no idea it'd take that particular bounce of the playing field and before you blink, it's already past you.

Countershot: Block
Get your racquet up and quick. There's no time for a well-placed shot, your only goal is to send it back over to him. I'd recommend something slightly off-hand like "well, that's awesome. I wonder if you tasted like garlic after all that Italian food" or "from what I've heard, you missed out on a good movie." It may be just enough to keep you in play for a few more volleys.

Well, that's it I think. Did I miss anything? Was the tennis analogy awful? Should I have not made a sequel? These things are up to you and your comments.