An Epidemic (or The Art of Impressing Women)

Cancer, AIDS, Nickelback, Judd Apatow movies: these are just a few of the many things plaguing humanity during my lifetime. I've read articles lately about how the first two are being researched and that a cure could be closer than we think, but it would seem the cure for the later two in this list are simply being ignored in our never-ending quest for the common good.

Even though all of these wreak havoc on millions of lives, there's another epidemic that I think affects even more people with even more devastating results. This isn't a physical plague that attacks the immune system or the heart, nor is it a economic catastrophe that leaves millions homeless or without food for weeks at a time. No, it's something much more common, more malicious, and more deadly than any of these. It's the ever increasing desire of men everywhere to impress the females near them.

This isn't an easy task in today's world of rappers with more diamonds than Sierra Leone and movie stars with more makeup than a female televangelist. That's why I, Michael, lover of the ladies, wooer of the women, Don Juan of the dames, have put together a few tips to help men finally attract whatever lady is striking their fancy (generally the closest one, the most attractive one, or the one his friend is also interested in). It's not a comprehensive list because, let's face it, a magician can't reveal all of his secrets, but it's hopefully something that will get you on your way into the wonderful world that is the art of impressing women.

1. Material Items
I've found that nothing gets a girl more interested in your thoughts and opinions than you having a new pair of designer jeans. If she won't like you when you're driving your Ford Tempo, consider upgrading to something a little more female friendly, like a new Mustang or even a BMW. What, you can't afford a Mustang or a Beamer? Women like men who buy things on loans. While you're at it, pick up anything that Apple produces. You don't need it for the functionality or the benefits that come with high-end products, but for the stigma that is associated with Mac users.

2. Accomplishments
Never, ever be afraid to point out something wonderful that you have done. Few things enrapture a girl's heart and mind so well as the story of the time you just narrowly escaped getting thrown out of Walmart for shopping cart jousting in the canned goods aisle. Please note that there is a wrong way to tell even the most heroic of stories. If you and a friend rescued puppies from a burning veterinary clinic, conveniently fail to mention that it was you who started the fire.

3. Similarities
Eagerly seek out even the most minute details you have in common with the girl of your dreams (well, at least the ones from last night). Point each and every one of these out in a way that conveys you're just as surprised you realized it as she is. "We both have a double-L in our last names! What are the chances of that?" You can do no better than to show her that fate must have destined you to be together based on things like having read the same book for a fourth-grade book report or enjoying The Office, because Nielsen reports have frequently shown that there are very few viewers for that particular show.

4. Physical prowess
Wow, how did this fall in so late at number 4? Girls love jocks. You've seen Saved by the Bell. A.C. Slater always had mad hunnies around the block. If you want to get the girl who helps at the YMCA to notice you, try spiking a volleyball or two into the face of the 8 year old with glasses on the other team. Her concern for him will be nothing compared to her animalistic attraction for what you've obviously been holding back for so long. Bonus points are generally awarded if you sustain some type of injury, but somehow manage to play through it.

5. Difficulties
While the above items will certainly attract the fairer sex initially, you need more meat to your Impression Stew if you want to outwit, outplay, and outlast the others obviously competing for her affections (she is so conveniently located, after all). This is when it'll benefit you to point out that as a child your dog ran away from home and you couldn't find him for 3 days. And then, when you finally found him, it turns out that Mr. Barkles was actually a Mrs. Barkles and you then had 4 more puppies to raise on a newspaper deliveryboy's salary, completely ruling out any stock options or investment portfolios you may have been considering as a mature 8th grader.

6. Spirituality
This is the Hydrogen bomb in your girl-attracting armory. Save this for extreme cases only (extreme cases include showing off your attraction skills to guy friends, luring an overly attractive female to your end of the lunch table, and a way of moving from "Hi, nice to meet you" to meeting the parents in less than 5 minutes with the girl who wears glasses from your English class). Feel free to share your testimony (including the nail-biter of a section that is "will he accept it? won't he accept? will he? oh good, he did), the story of finally learning your higher calling, or even how often a day you like to read from Leviticus or Numbers. Your candor and openness on the first date are attractive qualities desired by those of the fairer gender and don't at all convey that you have a strong desire for intimacy with anyone willing to share it with you.

Phew. Did you make it all that way through that? Or did you run out after reading the first few to start putting them into practice? Let's hope you trudged through it, because there were some invaluable gems buried in there. Let me know how these work out for you, okay? That's the reason there's the option to leave comments on these posts.